I wanted to mention something about being "cheerful." A lurker came on here (sorry, I can't remember her name) and suggested I start being the funny guy I was when the relationship was new. I made a big effort in that direction the weekend we went to St. Louis and I could tell that W appreciated it. I still find myself slipping into the darkness of resentment, anger, and the accompanying over-analysis, but I try to snap out of it and be the "Happy Hairdog" with whom she fell in love.
We had some arguments this week, but they are not like the knock-down drag-outs we've had in months past. There is something to being cheerful.
FF wrote: ------------ Finally, I sort of 'cornered' him, and asked 'What have I done that makes you so resentful of me'
H laughed. 'How am I suposed to know?' M 'You mean just avoiding me, and using porn to mb instead of ML to me is just normal?' H 'I couldn't tell you what it is, I don't know'. ------------
So he is not denying that he resents you.
I am sorry, but I have to disagree with ignoring his core issue(s). If I had done that, MrsNOP and I would likely NOT have recovered. If MrsNOP had ignored my core issue (sex) we most certainly would not have made it. Deal with the long term issues you must.
Both of you have some long suffered issues with each other. No matter what comes first, sex or relationship, those issues will have to be addressed for your relationship to heal.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I got out of the house myself for an hour or so this evening to do the shopping, and I realized how much I've missed having time to complete a thought. (HP, I send lots of hugs your way, that's a difficult time, when your body's still not really your own, and you can't think two words alone, let alone a complete sentence)
I've been trying to think when the 'picking' started, and I honesty can't remember a time, except maybe the first few days when it wasn't there. When we were dating, it was my Finnish - to the point that friends who socialized with us became uncomfortable. A friend of ours told me this summer she remembers the first time we were at her home, about 10yrs ago, and she wondered how H could speak to his lovely bride that way. I could go on, but I'm honestly not looking for pity, jsut trying to show that it is going to be very difficult to pin the resentment on one thing.
More recently, I don't think H was happy that I didn't want to have more kids. He was the one who pushed for no. 3. I remembered how stressed I was with the girls, the pressure it put on us, and I wanted time to try to work on the M and my playing. When I got pg, I was a bit ambivilant. When I started bleeding shortly after I discovered the pg, H said 'I guess you're happy now'
I was glad it was twins, because that was so amazing, so different, so overwhelming, that I didn't have a chance to worry about anything else.
I need to work on me. I need to take care of me, to be able to keep myself happy in spite of H's digs, 'cause they're probably not going to go away. I need to insure that I won't get defensive, and I need to set up boundarys and stick to them. I need to learn, in other words, that I deserve to be treated nicely. Tonight, I made a point of being happy, and sort of diffused his mood, but still when I came home from the store, H started yelling at the kids to clean their room (to the point that S4b started crying), then asked if he could talk to me. He did make a point of saying he wasn't trying to put me down, but he didn't like the way I had cut S4b's hair, and why did I have to put onions in the food I made tonight?
I honestly don't think this was meant to push me away, H has actually been friendly in his own way. I tell myself I should be glad that I have a husband who speaks his mind, who tells me how he feels. I used to feel proud that I knew so much about him.
I'm not giving up. I think I may even continue to go to bed naked, and be more provokotive about it, but I'm not going to try to initiate right now. I'll continue to call H on things, and give him a few days to see what he does with the denial stuff.
I need a quiet, warm SUNNY place, and a lover.
But I also need to catch my second wind, and stand my ground.
Well, FF, I am a bit shocked, and that is hard to do.
Let me ask another question. In your day to day dealings with your husband, if you were to imagine a stranger in your husbands place, saying the things that your husband says to you, verbatim, what would your reaction be?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You do have a way of asking to the point questions, don't you :-) (and I appreciate it).
Most of our day to day interaction is about general practical things, talking about the kids is a subject that goes pretty well.
I guess I would consider him rather childish, and if I had to deal with this person on a day-to-day basis, I would try to avoid confronting him, since his responses can be somewhat unpredictable.
----
I was just about to come and write a brief update, just so you know I haven't completely given up. H was in a good mood this morning, I made some joke about the rain (again!!!). I asked him if he was getting up. H said he thought he would stay in bed.
I asked him why? H said, 'because I can'. I said it would be nice if we could have some family time, H accused me of turning my simple question into something more, I agreed that that's what it sounded like and stopped. This was kinda light friendly banter. So I continued...hey, as long as I've already blown this conversation, can I ask you a question?
H kind of snickered and said go ahead. I asked 'Does your not having sex with me have anything to do with me not wanting to have any more kids?' (this has been bugging me, actually, after I thought about it, I suspected at one point H was trying to honor my Catholic tradition by not ML when we weren't having kids)
H laughed, and gave me a hug. The convo ended there, and I went downstairs with the kids.
I'm not going to start analyzing, just going to go about my business...
Quote: I asked 'Does your not having sex with me have anything to do with me not wanting to have any more kids?'... H laughed, and gave me a hug. The convo ended there
Do y'all use birth control (not natural family planning, but pills, etc.)? Does he feel that when you said you didn't want more children, you were in fact saying you didn't want sex any more?
He does seem to dole his words out like they were worth $5.00 apiece except when he's doling out criticism.
I'm still curious about this:
Quote: Me earlier:Does HE want to be the child and resents the fact that you have other actual children that need to be mothered? Does he want to be mothered, but doesn't feel it's culturally acceptable or manly to admit that? What is he like when he's sick? Strong and stoic or baby-ish and whiny?
Also, I thought honey's comment re her H was very revealing
Quote: My H admitted ... that at one time he would walk in the door and begin surveying the room, looking for something to b*tch about. .... This was when we were having sex a handful of times per year. I asked why he did that and he could not give an answer.."I don't know, I just remember feeling really on edge when I walked in the door and wanting something to pick on."
I've felt this way sometimes, but I'm self-aware enough now not to give in to this, but to ask myself what's bugging ME before I say anything. It strikes me that your H feels justified and righteous when he criticizes you.
Me earlier:Does HE want to be the child and resents the fact that you have other actual children that need to be mothered? Does he want to be mothered, but doesn't feel it's culturally acceptable or manly to admit that? What is he like when he's sick? Strong and stoic or baby-ish and whiny
Yes, I do get the feeling that he wants to be the child, and needs a mother. He's very baby-ish and definately whiny when he's sick!
Birth control is not a problem, what gave me reason to wonder if that was H's reason, is that he takes promises given, etc, very seriously. He's Lutheran, but we were married in the Catholic church, and we went through the necessary counseling, so I wondered if he had the misconception that ML is only for making babies in his head. This didn't stop him before marriage - but he hadn't made any 'deals' yet then, either. It was just a thought I had had. I think I can say from the response I got this morning I was barking up the wrong tree, but who knows.
FF wrote: ---------- H kind of snickered and said go ahead. I asked 'Does your not having sex with me have anything to do with me not wanting to have any more kids?' (this has been bugging me, actually, after I thought about it, I suspected at one point H was trying to honor my Catholic tradition by not ML when we weren't having kids)
H laughed, and gave me a hug. The convo ended there, and I went downstairs with the kids. ----------
Argh.
H: I want you to pull the answers to the sex question out of me slowly over the course of many days - (unspoken reasoning "SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN A LESSON!")
It's time for Mr. lesson to get his ass out of the bed and help with the family - culture or not. Does he have a special dispensation for neglect of familial duties, or have I missed something? Did the two of you AGREE that he should laze about in bed all day?
FF, do you remember what I posted to you about boundaries? It is time for the child to grow up. He should NOT be the one giving lessons here. He should be the student for a while.
I understand that he is a good provider. He is not a good husband, and good parents don't yell at their children until they cry. It is time for some serious growing up in your household. It is time for him to stop his games. It is time for you to stop facilitating them by playing along.
It is not okay to spend the day in bed dumping all parenting responsibilities on the other spouse. It is not okay for you to accept them just so there can be some 'peace'. Not okay.
Time for the another side of the 'stranger' question. If a stranger could observe your family as a whole, everything included (sex, kids, all interactions), what 4 points would be at the top of their list as needing the most attention?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
