More from the flutey (fruity??) household.

We went to a concert last night. We have season tickets to the local symphony, but I usually don't get to go 'cause I'm working. H actually suggested that I take one of the girls instead, but then said he did want to come.

It was fun. We talked, though H was his usual 'keep up with me, or I'll leave you there' mode. He got a little annoyed that I didn't know all the people he was pointing out, and told me to read the paper more. I said I'd been trying, but that since I work outside of town, and spend the majority of my time here with the kids, I don't get to know these people. He got annoyed that I was complaining.

When we got home, he was doing his best to avoid me. Went to the computer while I got the kids to bed, then went downstairs, turned on the stereo, loud, and started reading the paper. I got a snack and sat at the table with him, at which point he got up and went to do something else.

Finally, I sort of 'cornered' him, and asked 'What have I done that makes you so resentful of me'

H laughed. 'How am I suposed to know?'
M 'You mean just avoiding me, and using porn to mb instead of ML to me is just normal?'
H 'I couldn't tell you what it is, I don't know'.

It didn't really bug me, heh, I feel so 'differentiated' right now that if H said he was having an A, I would say 'Really? Is she nice? Should I invite her to dinner on Sunday?' So I said I was going to bed. H seemed a little confused. I did decide to go to bed naked, but I was working on beading moccasins for D6's halloween costume, so I'm sure I was more comical than sexy. H did come in, but made a point of avoiding looking at me.

This morning, I started again 'Look, I'm not going to let this go away. I deserve to know what it is that I have done to you that makes you so upset.'

H 'I don't know. Look, we couldn't even have a conversation at the concert last night. I was in a good mood, and you were just complaining, saying the concert was bad. Couldn't you just enjoy it?'

I didn't answer, which was good on my part. I did 'complain' about the concert. But I wouldn't have complained if I didn't feel comfortable with H, or think highly enough of him that I knew he could understand the criticism (of the concert). But at least I had enough sense to not say anything this morning.

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I'll explain: For some reason, our local, world-renowned, critically aclaimed orchestra with a new, fantastic hall has started using their concertmaster as a conductor. This guy is a world-class violinist, but a lousy conductor. I mean wooden as anything, looks like he's in pain in front of the orchestra, and it came through in the playing last night. I'm a musician. I know that this country is FULL of young, talented conductors (most of the new big names in conducting are coming out of Finland right now), that would love to get in front of this orchestra. It also riles me to know that if anyone actually said this outloud in the media here, they would be blackballed.

For me to sit there and say nothing, (especially when we met a friend at intermission, a good friend of H who studied at the same time as I in Helsinki who definately shared with my opinion) would go against myself. Of course, if I had been with someone who I knew didn't understand music, or the music business, I would have just said 'what a nice concert' and kept it in.

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Ok, that was a 'brief' aside. I understand that H feels uncomfortable with me if I state my opinions, and he wants me to be 'happier' with him, which to him means just accepting whatever situation we're in, no matter what. This *is* a cultural thing, and it's one of the things that bothers me most about this country - everyone is just suposed to accept authority, and not try to change anything, even if it makes them uncomfortable. One is supposed to just 'grin and bear it'.

This goes against my cultural, personal makeup. In other words, the whole idea of having personal integrity, and standing up for it goes against the Finnish identity. I have a close friend, Canadian, who has battled with similar problems. Her M works fine, her H has lived abroad, and is proud of his W, but in her attempts to adopt here, and to school her son the way she feels is best for him, she has had to fight against this attitude of 'Do it our way, or else!' all the time. I seem to have grown a thicker skin socially, but not in my M.

I know this is going to take time. And I know there are small signs...H is very uncomfortable right now. H said this morning 'I don't know what I can ask you, 'cause everything seems different right now' I answered 'Good, I'm trying to stir things up, 'cause I don't want them to be the same'

I'm impatient, and I know that's something I need to still work on. But I can't help wondering if H+I are both expecting things from one another that go against what we were brought up to believe. I know it sounds like I use the cultural excuse a lot, but I hope maybe you'll all understand now that it's not trying to get out of working, but trying to figure out what actually will work here. I know there are mixed-cultural Ms that work, I know it is possible. But I also know there are an awful lot that don't.

We had a big argument this past summer when H needed a new computer screen, and figured it would be cheaper to go to the US to get it, even paying customs, that buy it here. Since he still had vacation time after I started work, he asked if I would mind if he went to the States with the boys. I said yes, I did mind! I said it firmly and calmly, and H flew off the handle. I ended up walking along the harbor that night, around 2am wondering what I was doing. For me, who is homesick - I enjoy living here, I've chosen that, but I do miss my family + friends, especially now as I (and they) get older...and since I don't get to go home often, I welcome any chance I can get! H knows this, and knew I would get upset he expected me to fly off the handle, which I didn't, so he did. Now, he won't even talk about the possibility of me going 'home' for a visit (remember, he holds the finances, see, I need to find a way to have my own money to have some kind of pull in this R)

Ok, this is getting way too long, and probably just rambling...I've gotta to go pay some attention to my 'little ones'. This intense thinking I'm going through is no good for them. I've been here physically with them all week, but not as 'here' as they deserve, and sometimes, in trying to think things out, I get snappy with them. They don't deserve that. It's not as though I've just sat in the wings for the past 8-10 yrs, and only now am coming to life, I'm just more, well, focused right now. And it bugs me no end that H can't seem to see that, and instead of working along side of me, seems to want to trip me up instead.


Ok, I'm just venting. I'll come back later when I can think straighter.