Hi Flutie-- You definitely sound more focused and less fluttering. I agree that you did a fine job of addressing the issue with him and leaving him to mull it over. I also agree that he will try to avoid any discussion on the topic, twist it around in some fashion, become angry, etc. Persistence is a major part of change---remember that your goal is a healthy one, to have an emotional and physical connection between husband and wife. He is so entrenched in his ways that it will require a lot of effort, so take care of yourself as well.
I was thinking about my own marriage which was filled with anger, resentment and mixed feelings on both our parts for a very long time. These emotions were easier to see in my H; I didn't recognize how ambivalent I was about the marriage and how long I felt this way. I know he felt pushed by me to get married, but I was pushed by my mother. We have both played out various forms of grudges over the yrs.
Like you, when I finally got my act together and wanted a healhty marriage, my feelings towards H were so conflictual that I felt I was mainly doing this for the kids. In time, I recognized that I did want him-- I wanted his love and affection and no one else's. Then that shifted to my being better able to love him again.
This week I told H that this is the first time I really feel married to him. I am choosing this path, and for me, that has made the difference. I wanted to let you know that change is definitely possible, even when bad patterns have been established for a long time ( in my case, my entire marriage).
