I misread your post, I guess... thought H had another job that he disliked while waiting for a pharmacy of his own. Sorry.
As far as the porn "thing" goes... I wouldn't confront him. He might get very defensive, more than he already is. Instead... do you have a TV and DVD or videotape player in the bedroom? how about a DVD or videotape player on the TV near the couch? If so, maybe you can buy or rent a few porn flicks over the weekend and watch them. Either you watch them first before the two of you are together (to know what to expect) or watch them together for the first time. What would his reaction be? This might be a good first step to getting H in the mood for LM.
I can understand that you don't want too many fireworks at a time.
However, if MrsNOP had been MB all the time INSTEAD of making love to me, I think I would have been offended to the point of walking out. If she had been MB and making love to me, then that sounds like fun. Do you see the difference?
Contrary to what others have advised, I would personally (just me talking here, not giving advice) have a flying sh!t fit.
Regardless of how you confront your husband, I think he is going to pop back at you with anger - because he knows it will scare you off.
Make boundaries, demand respect.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It's one thing to be LD and truly not interested in sex..that I can work up some empathy on and I'm willing to compromise and negotiate.
But if Mr.HP had been doing himself all along and purposely avoiding me, though he knew I wanted a sex life, I'd have blown a gasket. That is a conscious choice to avoid you and use porn instead. I may even understand the reasons he does it (no pressure, faster, avoids the No Intimacy issue that is currently present in your M, etc) but it can't stay like that forever. Unless he would prefer to be a single man who is dating his computer.
I don't think confrontational is the way to go with your H, since that is one of his triggers that he has asked you to stop doing, but I'd definitely bring it up and pronto.
Good luck; what a sticky topic.
Ok, that last line was supposed to make you smile at my wittiness and punniness. Just trying to lighten the mood..
Seriously good luck and let us know how the convo turns out.
Porn and MB are things he does by himself to himself. It is much easier, apparently, to arouse himself than to rely on a mutual encounter with you. When he is using porn, he doesn't have to rely on pleasing anyone else. It's just too easy, and is apiece with his social anxiety as well.
By reading all of you people's reactions to Organ Player's sexual style (that's my nickname for him - if you like it you can keep it ), I am surprised that there is so little understanding. I bet if you pol the women who's men experience ED, these men have a much easier time getting aroused and having O's by themselves with porn than with their partners. This isn't mean, it's not even really selfish, although it looks that way. It's just a sexual style without fear and performance anxiety, which is the #1 killer of male arousal, IMHO.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I think we all understand the dynamics of masturbation just fine.
The issue arises from its use as a substitute when the other spouse is more than willing to provide sex - likely in just about any form at this point.
What her husband is doing is disrespectful to FF, regardless of his claims or reasons.
His actions are most certainly selfish.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
FF, what if for the next few weeks, when he comes into the bedroom at night, you're reading Penthouse Letters and mb-ing. What if you say, "Care to joing me?"
I think we all understand the dynamics of masturbation just fine.
The issue arises from its use as a substitute when the other spouse is more than willing to provide sex - likely in just about any form at this point.
What her husband is doing is disrespectful to FF, regardless of his claims or reasons.
His actions are most certainly selfish.
-NOPkins-
Nop,
I'm a boner fide expert unfortunatately.
His motives are central to what is missing in their love life. Who in their right mind would prefer MB to mutual lovemaking? He could be anxious, afraid, intimidated. People scare him - even his own wife. Flutie doesn't even know what's at the bottom of it because he won't talk. All I know is that calling Mr. Organ Player selfish is unconstructive fingerpointing. It's not going to get FF any closer to a love life, whereas coming to an epathetic understanding might.
FF,
You can confront him if you like. I think it is a good idea. It is important that you link porn and MB, as in "I know you are looking at porn and MBing." While he might admit to the porn, he might deny MBing. No man looks at porn regularly without MBing, so don't let him off the hook. But this is a place he really doesn't want to go. A MBing, porn loving man does not want to be told by his wife that he should be channeling his sexual energy elsewhere.
The thing you have to realize is that he probably feels ashamed of it, so he is going to get very defensive. He might be of a mind set that sex is dirty; porn is dirty; he is aroused by dirty porn. You OTOH, are a wife who is the mother of his children, and who is not at all dirty. It's a difficult notion to accept that your H would be stimulated by 2D images and not by flesh and blood. But it is in keeping with his general lack of comfort with any kind of person, even his own wife and children.
Confront him you must. But he will not want to give up his porn, nor will he want to share. I think the best you can hope for is that he cuts back so that he can save a little something for you.
SM
P.S. Go Sox!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
First (((((hugs))))))) to all of you. A brief update...
I asked H to go for a walk with me. This was before I knew what I was going to do about the 'other stuff' so I was not intending to bring anything up, just go for a walk.
It was actually nice, a lot different than our 'attempt' a month or so ago. H walked fast, but asked me(!) to keep up with him. We talked, H filled me in about stuff he's heard about the neighbors. I realized how out of touch I am with our town - between working in a different city and being so tied up with the kids, I still feel like an outsider here.
When we got back, I checked in here again, and found a few more had written in, I think it was Chris, Nopkins, HP, SM...I started weighing what you were all saying, trying to figure out what to do...
I realized first that I was so exhausted and serious that I had missed HP's sense of humor (which was obvious once you pointed it out ) and that I was letting you all make my decision.
So I tried to clear my head for a few minutes and realized how mad I was. Not that H was mbing, or even looking at porn. I found a big stash over a month ago, shortly after I started posting here. At that point, I got mad, but decided to let it go, I figured it would only complicate things, and besides, stuff had been pretty heavy around here, so I sort of understood him 'escaping'. In a way, it had made me feel good that he was at least thinking about sex!
What really bothered me was the amount that has been going on in the past few days, after we've been talking, I've made it obvious in as friendly, loving (hopefully non-pressurized) way as I can that I'm available, even for just a cuddle, and he's still choosing to avoid it.
This is about avoiding confrontation and responsibility. So I went in to the computer room (! H was not looking at porn) and said 'How do you think I feel to discover that after having any kind of physical approach to you basically pushed away for most of the past 7 yrs, and spending the last few months really working on this, that I find out that you have been mbin with porn. I have nothing against mbing or even porn, except that you're using it to avoid me'
It was really late, and H had complained when I said I had something to say that he needed to get up early (but then called me back to ask what I had to say). So I left it at that. H didn't say anything, he was pretty quiet. I went to bed, (and he came eventually, must have been around 2, turned on the light and started reading and eating chocolate) and he just left a short while ago.
There is one possible problem with the way I did it, and that is that H just lets it drop, and tries to turn it around to me. I'm not going to let him get away with it this time.
I'm not expecting that he stop, I'm expecting that he stands up to me. He's the one who's been ignoring the elephant, and I want him to see it.
Quote: ---------- I have nothing against mbing or even porn, except that you're using it to avoid me. ----------
Precisely right.
Looking back at your first posts, you need to find out what it is that he has been holding against you all this time.
I am wondering if his grudge and his passive aggressive 'punishment' (cutting you off) have gone on so long that he has forgotten what started the whole deal. This is the same guy that you described as doing it daily with you the first couple of years.
I think you have taken an excellent step. I think that the next one should be to find out whatever it was that offended him so badly, that he refused to tell you what it is. It is time for that piece of childish behavior to be gone.
If he has a reason for cutting you off, then you have a right to know what it is. If he has no reason, then he has no excuse for the abuse he has heaped on you. I think the idea that he is low drive can be summarily dismissed now.
Please keep us posted. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
), I am surprised that there is so little understanding. I bet if you pol the women who's men experience ED, these men have a much easier time getting aroused and having O's by themselves with porn than with their partners. This isn't mean, it's not even really selfish, although it looks that way. It's just a sexual style without fear and performance anxiety, which is the #1 killer of male arousal, IMHO.
unfortunatately.
) and that I was letting you all make my decision.