Something about your husband's strangeness is nagging me. We all do and say somewhat strange things, but the sabotage of potential togetherness (fun) as a family, and the over the top reactions don't quite fit.
So. If you get a chance, check the browser history on his computer and see what he is having a look at. Do you two share the same machine? Has he shown any interest in gay porn? Does he chat online?
Also, do you know why he resents you so much?
Odd questions, I know.
The goal is to find the point that the two of you became divided on, or the major influence on one or both of you that is the primary source of the problem.
I know there is a lack of respect in your relationship, but I think that is also a symptom in your case, not the source.
If you can stand it, let's keep digging. If I am causing to much pain, just tell me or ignore me. You won't hurt my feelings.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: So. If you get a chance, check the browser history on his computer and see what he is having a look at. Do you two share the same machine? Has he shown any interest in gay porn? Does he chat online?
Also, do you know why he resents you so much?
Ok, there's lots of porn, but it seems like pretty 'normal' stuff, girls...I didn't go to every site I found, but doesn't seem like there's any gay or otherwise 'odd' stuff. I'm pretty sure there's no chatting. Doesn't really fit H's character.
Do I know why he resents me? I know, from our first real 'convo' a month or so ago, that my angry outbursts and bringing up D upset him. I would see that as a symptom, as for me problems started before then, though maybe that's the point of resentment on his part.
I remember too the day D8 was conceived (ok, my sis called, got us out of bed to tell us she was pg, maybe that's why I remember so well...) that there was some 'argument', H was upset about how I had responded to something, I don't remember specifics, though I've tried, but he felt that something I had said, or the way I said it was insulting to him.
I wonder too, how much of the resentment may actually be from me...my ambivilant feelings about staying here, loosing my Am. identity...against H wanting me to be 'more Finnish'? Ok, maybe I'm grabbing at straws.
I know that H is very consious of his 'place in society', I remember him saying when D8 was born that now he had to start doing things, that he had to catch up with his classmates. I know he's been trying to get his own pharmacy (H is a pharmacist, won't go into Finnish farmacy law here, but there are a limited no. of pharmacy permits which are applied for when they become available) for a while with no luck yet. I know I have said that it would make our life easier if he had his own pharmacy, it would be easier for me to be home more, etc., perhaps this puts pressure on him?
If H is so anti-social and reclusive and "not into" being a part of society and not able to gain a pharmacist license, then why don't you move back to the US and save him from himself?
Quote: If H is so anti-social and reclusive and "not into" being a part of society and not able to gain a pharmacist license, then why don't you move back to the US and save him from himself?
I'm not really sure what you mean??
But I don't want to paint such a ugly picture of H.
He is a practicing pharmacist, just doesn't have his own pharmacy. Socially, he's certianly not a wizard, but he does all right. Just not willingly. Given the choice, he'd rather stay home and read a book than go and sit and talk with people. There are quite a few people here who are more than greatful for the work he does for them, as an 'advocate' of organ art in this country, even though (probably because) he's not a player himself.
He just places very high demands on himself, and on those around him. I'm beginning to see that his pointing out messes around the house is not really a way of putting me down, it's just that to him, cleaning the house is woman's work, and since he's more aware of it than I, he's going to point it out to me. If I could somehow get him to realize that doing it after I've been chasing after the kids, driving for 2 hrs and teaching for 4 is not going to get a wonderful response from me, or better yet, that picking up the mess himself instead of pointing it out to me would create better harmony around here...
It's as though he's a child socially, and doesn't have the skills to relate to people, so he tries to controll them instead. He's been doing much better with the kids lately, D6 will even go and hug and kiss him now, something she wouldn't do a year ago .
I just wonder sometimes if it's worth all the work...(not really giving up yet...)
Quote: Maybe it is time to tell him that he is welcome to have sex with you instead of masturbating. Maybe you should tell him exactly that, in the afore couched terms, factual and straightforward.
Ok, I guess I'm a real child in terms of this, but I'm going to ask you all for advice. First, whether I should confront him about the porn and/or mbing, and second how...
I remember Jenny saying she confronted H early on and wished she hadn't.
But I also wonder about telling him I'm willing to ML...I have said this, fairly straight out, several times in the past month, to be turned down - in a friendly way, to give H credit, but turned down just the same.
Granted, H is being friendly, things back to where they were before my Dad's visit.
Guess I've just got real cold feet and need some support.
Those cold feet will go well with your cross-country ski regimen.
I'm sure everyone's situation is different, so nobody will know better than you if you should confront him about his porn use. One thing seems to come out in every statistical report I've seen, though. Porn use diminshes a M's sex drive and in the extreme leads to ED.
If I was using porn and was called on it, I'd appreciate it to be done in a non-confrontational and non-judgmental way. In his mind, he probably has a reason for it. My guess is he either feels sexually inadequate or unable to have the sex he wants with you. (Those don't have to be true to be real to him, btw.)
To let him know that you're up for whatever, whenever and wherever he wants would be helpful. From what you've said about him, indicating that it wouldn't have to be a deep emotional event for him each time might help, too.
I wouldn't expect you to hold back from telling him that it hurts your feelings that (or at least makes you wonder why) he would rather MB than ML to you. That deserves an answer, IMO.
Good luck. Like I said, only you know if you should call him on it.
I can't speak for your H, but if it was me, the confrontation would be a bad idea. I do believe that confrontation would work quite well in many cases, just not with me.
It's hard for to even imagine choosing mb over ML with a willing W, but I'm trying. To my way of thinking, if I had a willing W and was still using porn and mb’ing and keeping it from her, it would be something I didn’t want her to know about. Pulling it out and waving it in my face would just make me mad – and even more secretive in the future.
It’s also hard for me to imagine having a W who wanted to ML and turning her down, but I’m trying here too. I’m trying to imagine that I have sexual desire (thus the porn) but for some reason, don’t want to ML with my W. In my own particular case, the only reason that would happen would be if there was some BIG problem in the R. The best hope W would have would be to continue to let me know that she was both available and even eager, and to look for the elephant in the room. Of course in my case, I would be very eager to acknowledge the elephant, fix things, and ML with her. So all of my advice is probably worthless.
What about asking about the mbation but then acknowledging that you do it too?
Tell him that you are aware that you both turn to yourselves instead of each other and you want that to change.
Also, were you able to tell when you looked on his computer how often he looks at porn? Is he using up all his mojo on the porn or is he LD with the porn too?
Quote: Also, were you able to tell when you looked on his computer how often he looks at porn? Is he using up all his mojo on the porn or is he LD with the porn too?
Only checked the past couple of days, but he certainly doesn't seem too LD in that regard . I did find a bunch a month or so ago as well, so it's probably been all along...found books in the closet too.
HP, I like your idea of mentioning myself as well. Wb and Barney, thanks for a guy's perspective. No, I certainly don't want to make it confrontational...I'm pretty sure that would cause more problems than solve. But it might be a way to open up the whole sex topic again, help him to see that we've both got a part to play in this. I hope by now he's starting to realize I want to work on our R...
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. I did find a bunch a month or so ago as well, so it's probably been all along...found books in the closet too.