Thanks to all of you. I think I've settled down a bit...thanks Nopkins and Lilli for giving me a sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I do think that there is a good guy in H - I wouldn't have hung in this long if there wasn't. Yeah, I was taking things a bit personally today. I did use a lot of energy today, still plan on practicing for a while, so I'll get a good night's sleep, and hopefully, should be able to seperate myself more tomorrow.

Lilli, you asked about the dynamics of our R in the beginning. Yes, I was the one who pushed for commitment. Our relationship started rather fast, and I was the one putting the brakes on in the beginning. We did ML very often in the early years. Things started slowing down when we moved in together, two years before we were married, but this was probably more just a result of being together more, though I found recently journal entries before we were married where I mention that we haven't ML in several months (but things were ok otherwise).

I'm not sure whether H would have just wanted to stay bf/gf, this is an issue with his family, and in general in Finland. It's not so unusual, for example, for couples to get engaged and not married. H's bro just married his partner last fall after 10yrs and 3 kids together, his cousin also took about 10yr before they got married. I wasn't doing that, and did push things along. I pushed for the engagement, then he surprised me by telling everyone we were getting married the next summer.

There was a real slow down after we got married, I remember H bringing computer mags to bed with him on our 'second' wedding night (we had a blessing ceremony/party in Finland after the 'real thing' in the States), and I remember being rather 'frustrated' around the time D8 was conceived. H seemed pretty freaked out by pg me, and I'm pretty sure now that part of the problem is the extra weight I have put on.

Enough for now. I'll get my second wind...and I can do 'unpredictable' . I'll keep you all up to date. I really appreciate all your support!!