Well, I'M not liking your husband very much right now!
I think what everyone is saying is not that you have to "try harder" or "improve yourself" or "make everything better." Clearly, you have been working on yourself like crazy-- hmmm, maybe a poor (or apt) choice of word .
What I think people are saying is to stop being predictable. Throw him for a loop. Upset his apple cart. Not violently, but subtly and gently. Don't react in the expected, predictable way. To do this, you have to detach more. I know it sounds impossible, but you have to take some of his stuff less personally.
For example, when I ask my bf a question that he's uncomfortable answering, he starts what I've called the "fog machine." He spouts gobbledygook... words that have no point and no center. If you press him, he just spouts more fog. This used to make me SO mad. It even happened in the therapist's office. He spouted fog at her! She asked him to clarify, but he just went deeper into the fog. Now that I recognize that the fog machine is triggered by something in HIM that is a response to something outside (which may be my question, or the therapist's question, or whatever), when he does it, I just stand with detached amusement, and say to myself, here comes the fog. I no longer press for an answer at that point.
So when your H complains about the kitchen, you might consider coming up with a completely unexpected response, like hugging him and thanking him for caring so much about the beauty of your home. There are a lot of guys who don't even care what the house looks like, as long as they can find the refrigerator and the beer. I'm not saying you turn his rudeness and perfectionism into a virtue, or that you even like it, I'm saying, when he pushes your buttons, give him a response different from the one he's used to. When he puts in the nickel and pulls the handle, he's expecting m&m's-- give him feathers, or nails, or soup. Or you could say, yeah, the sight of this messy kitchen exhausts me, I'm going to take a nap. Or, whenever I start to think about cleaning the kitchen, I get inspired to play-- and go pick up the flute.
You two are locked into a script and SOMEONE has to break out. Ieally you two would work on it together, but if not, then just you.
Validating him is good, because he won't be expecting it.
We used to have a saying posted on the wall of an office where I worked:
If you always do what you've always done, You'll always get what you always got, So, if you want change, Do ANYTHING different.
I went back and reread your original thread back when you first joined the board. It does seem to me that things changed after you had kids. There appeared to be some anger and resentment on his part there. You said that for several years before you had the kids, you used to ML every day. I think you also said that you were the one who pushed for commitment. Did he just want to stay bf/gf indefinitely? I'm sure you've addressed this somewhere... but when did things really start to change? (Hope I'm not getting you mixed up with someone else again... )
. 
) 