Flutie, I do think that some validation is in order here. Not that you have to roll over and acquiesce to his every demand but just saying, 'Yes I hear what you're saying about the junk in the car.'
Right now, it's as if you are both saying "I want you to change in XYZ way" to each other but neither of you are making any concessions to the other. I think that PM is a really good way to learn to dialogue about things that you are unwilling to compromise on, but not every issue in marriage is one of integrity, kwim? Hear what he is saying. Then perhaps he will be inspired to do the same. Your H sounds like a child, emotionally. You may have to lead by example. Are all Finnish men this emotionally retarded??
Another idea is to give him a list of ways in which YOU want to change for the better. Let him see you making an effort to be a better wife and person and he might decide to ditch his defensive and childish walls around him.
I liked NOP's concise sentence about respect, as well as the follow up plan. Keep it short and remind him EVERY time he disrespects you. In a kind and dispassionate way, if you can, because that will completely defuse him not to mention be a 180. Keep him off guard. Let him see the new Flutie and sit back and be silently intrigued. He is already starting to do that, imo!
Good luck to you and don't get discouraged; you are up to this task. All the best, Honeypot
