I hope you will forgive me for jumping in here--I've lurked a bit, have been over in Newcomers much longer (as the D was threatened) and so am approaching things over here in much the same way.
As I'm starting to see that sex drives in people are really closely related to the relationship they have. It's not so much to fix the sex part, you have to fix the R, first. I don't know if your H ever threatened D, or if you have been over to the Newcomer's board much, but there is just a wealth of R-type help over there that you may find helpful.
First of all, you are making a list of things that you want him to do (changes) to show respect.
In Newcomers, they would say that YOU have to do the changing--this leads to the S changing. Lots of examples over there of this working to a "T".
You mention you need to work on validating. This is one of the biggest skills I have found in my sitch--to validate like crazy. Lord, is it hard, when they are "grumpy" and yelling and unreasonable (like a child) to validate. I have a LONG way to go on this one, but my "itty bitty" baby steps in this area are making things better!
Losing weight--an excellent goal. Doing something "different" or a "180" as they call it in Newcomers makes the S sit up and take notice. Do you have any other 180s? They are really fun once you start getting that "look" from your H. I think, and this is my own opinion, that getting in shape feels like "respect" to the H. Plus it will make you feel terrific. In control of yourself and life in general.
Can you focus on a few things that your H would find respectful and REALLY do a 180 in that area? If he complains about the kitchen, keep it spotless. You don't have to overwhelm yourself--in Newcomers, the threat of your S leaving makes you go into hyperdrive. But the change, again, is a big attention getter.
A huge, huge realization came to be through this ordeal--I have a LOT of power to change things--way, way more than I ever imagined. I am still having a lot of fun "changing" and getting the "look" or having my H change in some really interesting way, due to my changes. My H is also grumpy, yells, throws tantrums, can be cold, etc. He is Danish, BTW.lol.
"Come over here, I have something to say to you" OMGosh, have I not heard this about a million times!
I used to be like you--YOU change, and then I will. But you just won't get the results. At least, I didn't trying to do that for 9 years. In the last 8 months I've gotten MORE changes than the past 9 years. Plus it's ME that I have to control, not someone else. Not easy, by a long shot, but it's a WHOLE lot easier to control me than anyone else!
