Thanks for your insights. I was going to write how I felt that I would use the specific list, because I have said the general 'I would like to be treated like an adult' in calm convos, and it has come up when I've lost my temper in one of H's 'tantrums'. Of course, it had no effect in the later, but it didn't in the former either.
I was feeling empowered by that list. I felt that finally I had a way of showing H what I wanted. I even felt, like you pointed out, that I didn't really need the exit strategy, but wanted to leave it there, because I really think a change in job for me and my financial education will benefit us no matter what happens, and will improve the M.
That was before I talked with H.
I woke up early this morning, and got up for a while to enjoy the quiet before my troops get up. Then I went back into bed, and H was half awake, so I took his hand as I snuggled in. He seemed to like that, so I was glad he was in a good mood.
The kids climbed into bed with us before I got a chance to talk, then the guy from the car dealer arrived with our car, and H went to drive him home (H had arranged all this so I wouldn't have any extra stuff to do tomorrow - another sign that he's not a complete ogre!)
When he came back, I was busy making breakfast for the kids, and he went up to the computer. So I went up to ask him if he wanted breakfast, and asked if I could talk for a little bit.
I hope you'll bear with me guys, while I type out the whole thing, 'cause I'm pretty confused and deflated right now, and I need some help to get some perspective on this.
I read the list, (after I had to go get a chair so that I wouldn't be 'standing above him') and he listened with a sort of 'what's coming now' look on his face.
When I was done, he said 'Last night in sauna, you yelled that I shouldn't talk to you after I asked you something simple'
I didn't remember, so I asked him to explain. H 'I asked you if you had opened the vent, and you said don't talk to me like that. I would say that shows a lack of respect.
M 'Now I remember. You asked me, and I answered you - yes I did. - You didn't hear me, so you asked me again, in a loud, yelling sort of voice. I answered you again, saying - yes I did - in a louder voice, and asked you if you would not speak to me in that sort of voice'
H 'Well, I was in a good mood up 'till then, but then I realized I couldn't speak to you. I did what you asked, I didn't speak to you in that tone of voice'
I realized this convo was degenerating fast, so I went downstairs to make his breakfast. Now I was really confused. Once again I started playing through my head what had happened, if I had been rude to him, but I realized that he had just shot down everything I said with one sentance.
H came down, and we were together, alone, eating breakfast. H did have his paper, so I got a book so I wouldn't look like I was desperate for conversation.
H 'Does this respect thing include not trashing something that someone has done, or ignoring what they've done?'
M 'Yes, it does'
H' Good! Now I know what to call it! Last year I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, put everything where it belongs, and shortly after that, it was a mess again. Just look at it now!' Then he continued 'It's the same thing with the car that you keep trash in, or not cleaning the cleaning equipment after you're done...'
He might have gone on, I don't know, I came up here. So now, it seems I've given him another weapon. If I state to him that he's being disrespectful, he can turn around and say he's just asking for respect, and I'm being disrepectful in not listening to him.
I'm not perfect. I know that. I don't want to be perfect. I'm disorganized, and our house is not spotless. There are times when the kitchen is a mess, along with everything else. We have 4 kids, and the oldest isn't yet 9!!!!!!! And yes, the kids are learning to do things around the house. There are times I might leave a paper or two in the car, but it is very very far from being 'trashy'. I work, and I do keep this house in working order, and it's a lot cleaner than a lot of our friends homes in this sitch. I'm not bragging, 'cause in reality, it's not really something I'm proud of, I do it do keep things calm here (I've started to change that to doing it for me, 'cause it makes my life easier)
I'm not a nag. I would consider myself easy going. Too easy going, as you've all seen.
We've got a decent life. We have 4 healthy, intelligent, imaginative, beautiful kids, a nice house, and I know there are people who envy H his choice of wife .
So what do I do?? What went wrong? Should I just consider this normal 'fireworks'? I have tried my best to be here while all these backslides are happening, I've done my best to remain pleasant, make H's breakfast every morning, get his lunch, make him snacks at night, say goodbye to him in the morning...
But guys, I'm human, and I'm really getting to the end of my rope. Thing is, I don't know what to do.
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