On the edge of nowhere...

[MJontheMend]

one of my goals is to have H propose to me. If you really want to hear the story, I might tell, but H never did. A few years ago, he threw this out, when I had brought up D in a heated argument, he said 'You were the one that wanted this marriage thing in the first place', so it really would be important to me.

This is another way in which your sich is so much like mine. My H didn't really propose either due to the fact that I was pregnant. He told me recently that he has felt resentful towards me, so I decided that it was absolutely necessary that he re-commit to our relationship of his own free will before I would re-commit myself. Thus, our 3 hour separation a few weeks ago. It seems so trite but I've found that there is a lot of truth to that "If you love something set it free" poem. There is a difference between "setting someone free" and "threatening to leave them" so be careful how you handle it. I say this for your benefit because you won't get what you want if you manipulate the situation too much with negative reinforcement for much the same reasons that you won't get what you want if you pander to your H for sexual favors. I think this is another way to define "differentiation". If you can calmly and kindly tell your H that you need sex and physical affection in your life in order to maintain your personal integrity and you intend to have it whatever his preferences may be, you will be acting from a place of differentiation.

I still feel a bit of resentment towards my H for his jerky LD behavior over the years because I am not a perfectly differentiated person, so I occasionally still have a mini-urge to "cut bait" and run, but then I tell myself that this isn't necessary because I am no longer allowing myself to be treated unfairly in my relationship. You can't set your spouse free until you liberate yourself emotionally. Once you are 'differentated", it's easy to become a sort of missionary of differentiation and set an example for your spouse to follow. Make it clear that you are steering your own little boat solo and you have no intention of either towing your H's boat or making waves to upset him, then he will realize that he is responsible for steering his own little boat too. At that point, he will be free to decide whether he wants to accompany you to happy sex island or explore uncharted territory on his own.