Ok, two hours of sitting (sleeping!) in the car rather than driving, and a good sauna has somewhat focused my thinking. I have next week off, so this is a great chance for me to make some headway here.
Nopkins, I'm finally getting around to making that list you suggested ages ago. I was thinking I'd print it out and read it to H, then give him the copy as a reminder. Any comments and suggestions are more than welcome:
------ I feel that there is a lack of respect in our home. I would like to live in a home where I feel respected, our children are respected, and the kids and I respect you. So, I’ve come up with a list of things to work on.
-I will not be yelled at. If you yell, I will remove myself from the area untill you have calmed down long enough to speak to me in a civil tone.
I will not respond to ’Come here, I have something to say to you’.
Or ’What gives you the right to ignore me?’ As far as I know, it’s a free country. I choose not to be yelled at or talked down to, and I will ignore your attempts to do so.
I also will not respond to ’How many times have I told you....’
If you want to talk to me, try something like: honey, it bothers me when you do _____.
I will also most likely respond better if you are nice to me. Prefacing your request with a hug or kiss will do wonders.
It would also help if you sometimes say things to me that aren’t requests or complaints. I enjoy hearing ’you look nice today’ or ’thanks for dinner’ or even better ’is there something I can do to help?’ Hugs and/or kisses for absolutely no reason would also be nice. I’ll be much more likely to listen to your next request after that!
I expect that the kids get the same respect I will also try my best to respect your wishes.
----- This last part has me a little worried. I want H to give me suggestions as to what would make him feel respected, but I'm afraid that he will come back with a list of 'requests' or rules that he expects to be followed.
In addition, there are a few things I plan on working on (not necessarily going to tell H about these):
*Validating (not necessarily agreeing with) H's feelings *Loosing weight (this is for me. I'm tired of carrying this extra weight around. I want to ahve more energy, strength and flexibility. This has some advantages in my career as well) *Working on an 'exit strategy'. Even if things work out, we'll be better off if I have a 'better' job, and am better equipped at handling money (not to mention having money to handle)
My biggest fear? That I'll get lazy, or that H's tantrums will get me to back down. I've spent so much time being the peace maker, worrying about how H feels, rather than focusing on myself first.
There is also one thing for down the line...I haven't brought it up, because I feel there's so much we need to work on first, but one of my goals is to have H propose to me. If you really want to hear the story, I might tell, but H never did. A few years ago, he threw this out, when I had brought up D in a heated argument, he said 'You were the one that wanted this marriage thing in the first place', so it really would be important to me.
