First things first:
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Maybe he's invoking some ancient Finnish law that allows a man to divorce his wife if he can get her to give up her sled for the weekend, and get her to sign a document releasing title to her reindeer (or, in the modern version, tires). I'd suggest you consult an attorney who specializes in ancient Finnish law.




Hairy,

That may have to wait for a few days, seems most experts in Ancient Finnish law are up north studying raindeer entrails this week.

Laura,

Thanks for the advice. I did repeat back to H what he said, since he was worried that I didn't understand - but I like your suggestion, it's easy, short and to the point. I need to find ways to stay focused right now.

I was just thinking that for me, I need to think about differentiating as being like a mother being the strong wall against which a child throws their tantrum. I need to find ways of just being there when H is like this, without getting involved. I did do better last night that I would have a year ago, but not as well as I would have liked...


Quote:

You are certainly holding onto yourself, culturally anyway. You don't sound the slightest bit Finnish. That's probably a good thing.




M&K,

Yes and no. Many of my collegues and friends consider me 'Finnish', or at least ask me if I feel more Am. or Fin., and they are surprised when I say I hope I'm still at least some Am. - since they point out how well I 'fit in'. In a way, I've gotten to a place where I'm able to almost seperate my 'Finnish' self from my 'American' core.

But I can't help wondering once in a while if my refusal to completely 'assimilate' isn't the sorce of some of my problems.

I was surprised to find out how much culture played a part in this last 'round' with H. I've been playing that down, I guess, since I've been discussing this here, and it's easy to 'slip back' into Am. mode with you all. And I just felt that in the end we are just Man and Woman, but I guess there are things I need to consider.

The 'old stuff' H brought up last night were situations where I had 'revealed' something to friends - telling stories about things that H+I had done together, which made H uncomfortable. To me, they were just stories, things that H has told, and in a way, my way of showing my admiration of certain traits of H, but he sees it as revealing. Finns, as I have said, are extremely private - I once lost a very close friend by revealing something: we were sitting in our dorm's common room, talking about her coming wedding. A second friend came in, and the bride asked her a question about a place they were considering for a honeymoon spot. When the friend asked why the bride was asking, I happily blurted out 'cause she's getting married!' which caused the bride to get up in a huff, and run off. It's only now, about 13 yrs later, that the bride will even speak to me a little, though we do run into each other once in a while.

So I'm dealing with a very private culture - think what H would do if he realized how much I'm revealing here. I'm sure this has something to do with his reluctance to attend C as well. Part of me really understands this feeling, but I also have trouble understanding where the line lies, so I do still get in trouble once in a while.

I keep thinking that I'm not sure if I want to become the person that H seems to need to keep him happy. He seems to need someone who takes care of the behind the scenes stuff, while making him feel he is control, and to stand quietly beside him, sort of agreeing like the devoted wife. I guess this is a pretty good description of a Finnish wife - but I'm a social person who likes to know what's going on around her, and I feel stiffled in this position. Not to mention that I know part of what attracted H to me was my outgoing social personality.

It's hard some times to figure out what part of this is cultural, and what part is obnoxious traits of H + I that we need to work on...