Now that I've logged myself in (had to go look up the password and all.lol) to respond to someone else, I thought I'd throw 2 cents over here.
Since I'm still in "Newcomer's Mode" (My H was asking to separate and I've been DBing for 7 months now) I still have the "mantra" over there REALLY inbedded in me...which is...to validate their "complaints" like crazy. Which DOESN'T mean that you agree with them (it's odd at first, because it seems you ARE agreeing--but what you really are agreeing is that THEY feel the way the do--make sense?)
It really works--my H is kind of a grumpy guy, very moody, and would go on and on for LONG periods of time about all my "sins" (yeah, OK, there were some big ones!lol) and instead of my usual reponses (how could you feel that way/I didn't mean it that way/you're being ridiculous to feel like that/etc) I started validating. Low and behold, no more rants! He feels "heard" when I validate him.
And now he is less and less grumpy--in fact, he hasn't lost his temper once in the past 3 months or so. Moodiness seems to be getting better too.
I'm a pretty big believer in it. It's not being a doormat at all--I just agree that he felt a certain way--what's NOT to agree about? And really, can you control how they feel? He has some "odd" feelings at times (don't they all?) but, heck, they are his feelings.
So maybe when he is saying he felt embarassed you could say something like "You must have felt very embarassed, I can see that now". Repeat what he says to you.
And going back all those years? My H did that a LOT--making up for all the times I "didn't hear him" I guess. You'll have to do it less and less as they feel more "heard" and "understood".
Works good on my mother, too, who holds grudges forever.
