I'm trying to figure this whole thing out. I realized I've been kind of ignoring H for the past couple of days, since I felt so lousy about how he acted when my dad was here, so I finall decidided I would talk to him about it. And now, here I am. Don't feel much like sleeping, though I'm exhausted.
M: 'I've felt pretty lousy about the way you acted and treated me last week when my Dad was here'
H'Well, you were the one who yelled at me in front of him'
M 'I got upset when you kept asking if I would make you breakfast when I was obviously busy - and then after I said no, continued to poke at me'.
H ' You started yelling that you would go out into the street and tell everyone about our problems'
M' I was frustrated. You pushed me out of the way when we were looking at pictures with my Dad, and slammed the door in our faces'
Then we got into a discussion about why this happened. H brought up stuff that happend 5, 10 yrs ago, and said that he kept asking about the breakfast 'cause he didn't understand I said no. We managed to agree that alot of this stuff is cultural - he gets upset because I act in a way very normal to Americans, but not to Finns.
Then he went on to explain about the door slamming, how he didn't understand I was staying home, how he felt embarrassed that he tried to work things out and nobody told him I was staying home. He felt that my Dad and I were laughing at him. I told him that it was only after he slammed the door that we had any kind of comment on him in that way - and it certainly wasn't laughing.
It seems that H still doesn't understand where I come from culturally, and it feels right now like he doesn't want to see, he just kind of shuts down. I did say that I felt it still didn't give him any reason to talk or act to me the way he did. He just kept repeating that he had felt embarassed, and that's why he did it.
I'm confused. I keep trying to get some handle on this, to try to figure out what I can do, and I feel that when I try to set boundaries, H somehow turns it around to me, when I try to communicate my feelings, we end up pointing fingers. I did say that I wanted to stop finding blame - and H made it sound as though he was acting the way he did because of how I acted in the past, and I told him that I was trying to stop this cycle. I don't want to hold grudges - I don't, if I get upset, I get upset, and then go on, but H keeps bringing the same things up over and over... Once again, H complained that I was just talking about the same stuff - and went on for about 5 mins about it. I was able to seperate and laugh to myself, not really at him, just at the situation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing any good at all, or if we're both just being P/A with each other. Every time I try to be straightforward, it feels like there's another turn in the road.
How long does this have to go on before H will realize how rediculous it is? I'm not sure I can take too much more of it. Especially if I don't have any kind of physical support - affection, if not sex!!! I'm a happy person - everyone who knows me comments on the energy and happy outlook on life I have, but I'm wearing thin.
Yeah, I know, I'm having a pity party for myself. But only here, so I can somehow come to terms and figure out how to go on from here.
On a happier note - I've lost 3 lbs in the past two weeks!!
