Lilli,

You have my sitch confused with someone else's (cinemanyph?). H might have one beer a month, very very rarely something more. That would be my last straw. His dad could probably be considered an alcoholic, or at least a heavy drinker who's very controlling.

JJ.

Actually, my 'John Wayne' of a dad did have almost that exact conversation with H this week And I haven't been quite as wimpy as I come across here. Last night with the door slam, there really wasn't any point in saying anything, that's what H was looking for, to bait me. I'm not playing that game any more.

I like your idea about inviting someone! I worry a little about this though - I'll explain. I think in Schnarch, the example of the bar scene was played out with a couple who had a pretty decent R, just a lousy sex life. The wife could be fairly confident that her H cared enough about her not to want her to go pick anyone up, so she could be confident enough to pull it off. Sort of like reverse psychology with kids when you know they're not going to accept the alternative. I'm not that sure with H. I can almost see him letting me go through with it, so he can hold it against me later. OK, I might be 'expecting' a reaction, but it fits with how things have gone so far - he pushes me to get me to explode so he can use it against me later.

I almost wonder if his thought process goes something like this - I'm no good, so why would anyone want to ML to me. W wants to ML - what kind of person is she that she would want to ML to me - I don't want to be with that kind of person.
BUT - she is my wife, so I can stop her from ML to anyone else. And if she did, I'd finally be able to show her what a lousy person she is.

What's stopping me from having an affair right now? I don't have the guts to do it for just sex - and I wouldn't want to 'use' the other person, 'cause I'm not really prepared right now to break up the family. I'd end up being the one getting hurt, I'm afraid

So we're back to the conversation about a month ago - I need to go back and work on making myself financially 'independent'. If I had a solid base, an 'exit plan', then it would make my case more convincing - Look H, I've done this +this, and I am prepared to leave if things don't get better. That might make him take notice. Dad seems very eager to help - trying to figure out how I could get work in the states. Thing is, I'm very determined to stick to my present career...and truth is, with 4 kids, I'm not in the greatest of shape playing wise, and more importantly, I haven't been performing, which also means I won't get any 'decent' teaching position. I have to start playing first, get my name out. It's already 'out' here with organizing/teaching, and even playing to some extent. I just have to more actively push myself.