FF, I'm going to gently and respectfully (I hope) bring the subject back to alcoholism. If he is an alcoholic... he is not going to respond in a "normal" way. If he's an alcoholic (and two going on three DWI's is a huge red flag), everything is going to be your fault, he will see no reason to change, he is running from tremendous pain that he is medicating with alcohol, rage, blame, and other ways of avoiding.
It seems to me that you're operating on the premise that if you're just nice enough and reasonable enough, he'll eventually come around. You're excusing his inexcusable behavior and hoping he'll see the light. If anything, it might be more effective to cease tolerating any bad behavior from him AT ALL. You don't have to be rude or ugly. Just state that you will not be spoken to in that way, or ignored, or have all the chores dumped on you, or whatever, and then leave the room or the house or the country.
In AA they have a saying that alcohol is devious, cunning, baffling, and powerful. If he's an alcoholic, you can't reason with him. You can't make him be nice by being nice to him. His thinking is skewed. Even when he's sober, his thinking is STILL skewed. You can't say something reasonable to him, have him go off by himself, think it over, then come back to you and say, "You know, what you said made a lot of sense. I think I'm going to do that from now on."
The best thing you can do is detach, detach, detach-- just like Schnarch says. Focus on yourself. Disentangle yourself from his whacked-out thinking. Stop being so nice to him. Don't start to be mean, just stop spending all of your energy making sure he's okay. Take care of YOU.
If you go to a C, maybe you can find one who specializes in addiction and co-dependency issues. That would help. And AlAnon is free-- that's one of the great things about it.
