I thought I would start a new thread, because that's where i feel I am right now.

I had a revelation today. H walked into the kitchen, and my stomach tightened, like I have mentioned previously, in anticipation of him complaining about something. I realized that even now, as I've been holding on while he 'picks' I still go out of my way not to give him opportunities to find things wrong.

In other words, I'm still controlling this whole thing through my fear. So tonight, I stopped. I didn't follow him into the kitchen, and with my whole being, I didn't even think about what might follow. Nothing did, of course. I didn't ask H tonight if he wanted to watch something, I did my own thing. Eventually, he did come to ask.

It was amazingly difficult to not do anything. And I feel a little, no quite a bit, unsettled - on the brink of nothingness - since I'm not quite sure how to continue. H was also unsettled by my not doing anything, though it was nothing more than the mumbling that's been going on anyway as he tries to figure out what's going on.

I'm wondering that if I can keep this up, H might take a few steps in my direction, to fill the void, so to speak. If I stop going to him, but keep up my PMA, and go about my life...I thought I had been doing that, but from how I feel right now, I guess I have been still very attached on some level.

Thing is, this is forcing me to look at myself even closer, and realize the things I need to work on. I can't keep playing peacemaker, and putting everyone else's needs above mine. I've stopped being a martyr, but apparently not on every level. I've also been using my crazy schedule as an excuse for being scatterbrained and disorganized, when of course, the first person I'm hurting is myself...and of course then all the people who depend on me.

I do need help, and things definately have to change around here, my job, the lack of help from H...but the change is going to have to come from me.

I know I need to make some concrete plans. I'm not quite there yet, I think I first need to get used to standing here on my own.