I thought I would start a new thread, because that's where i feel I am right now.
I had a revelation today. H walked into the kitchen, and my stomach tightened, like I have mentioned previously, in anticipation of him complaining about something. I realized that even now, as I've been holding on while he 'picks' I still go out of my way not to give him opportunities to find things wrong.
In other words, I'm still controlling this whole thing through my fear. So tonight, I stopped. I didn't follow him into the kitchen, and with my whole being, I didn't even think about what might follow. Nothing did, of course. I didn't ask H tonight if he wanted to watch something, I did my own thing. Eventually, he did come to ask.
It was amazingly difficult to not do anything. And I feel a little, no quite a bit, unsettled - on the brink of nothingness - since I'm not quite sure how to continue. H was also unsettled by my not doing anything, though it was nothing more than the mumbling that's been going on anyway as he tries to figure out what's going on.
I'm wondering that if I can keep this up, H might take a few steps in my direction, to fill the void, so to speak. If I stop going to him, but keep up my PMA, and go about my life...I thought I had been doing that, but from how I feel right now, I guess I have been still very attached on some level.
Thing is, this is forcing me to look at myself even closer, and realize the things I need to work on. I can't keep playing peacemaker, and putting everyone else's needs above mine. I've stopped being a martyr, but apparently not on every level. I've also been using my crazy schedule as an excuse for being scatterbrained and disorganized, when of course, the first person I'm hurting is myself...and of course then all the people who depend on me.
I do need help, and things definately have to change around here, my job, the lack of help from H...but the change is going to have to come from me.
I know I need to make some concrete plans. I'm not quite there yet, I think I first need to get used to standing here on my own.
Quote FF "It was amazingly difficult to not do anything. And I feel a little, no quite a bit, unsettled"
This is differentiation and it will feel strange and will be difficult to keep up but it is definitely worth persisting with.
Quote FF "H was also unsettled by my not doing anything"
Exactly!!! This is what you want to happen. Your differentiation is causing a reaction in him. He is uneasy because things didn't follow the normal pattern. He will have to change in response to your change.
Remember FF, what Michele says, "What you are doing now is not working so do the exact opposite (a 180)". Your aim should be to work towards respecting and being YOURSELF rather than the person you think your H wants you to be. By becoming yourself, an independent person in your own right able to stand on your own two feet, you will become infinitely more attractive. SD - proud of FF for differentiating
H was in bed before I last night, and had armed himself with paper and chocolate before I got there. I was not dressed in the viking outfit, but I wasn't wearing a tee-shirt or frumpy nightdress either (yes, I was wearing something ;-) )
I rolled over and leaned gently on his sholder. 'Have you ever thought how much nicer it would be if we could ML once a week?'
H 'I think you should roll over and go to sleep'
M 'I don't really feel like going to sleep' H is munching on chocolate 'I'm not as fattening as that chocolate'
H smiles 'It's late, you should just snuggle and get some rest'
M 'Is it so strange that a wife wants to ML to her husband?' (said in a lighthearted, slightly sultry way)
H 'Is this going to turn into a 1.5hr talk which makes everyone feel bad?'
M ' Nope, just thought I'd bring that up' (it was too late for a talk) Goodnight H.
H reached over and stroked my hair, said 'Thanks for being there'. I fell asleep.
Nothing new, been there before. Just wanted to try things out before I turn up the heat, since I was away last week. Didn't want H to think I might have given up. For those of you new to my super hot thread , I've only started 'initiating' (if that's what you can call it) again rather recently, and getting this far is a big step. Used to be he wouldn't let me touch him.
How similar we are FF (except the oposite way round). I'd say you have pitched it just about right. You showed affection without overdoing it (leaning against a shoulder is something I do when I know there is no chance of anything much but want some contact). It's just so difficult not to drop into needy mode and let your arms go right round but this is usually a mistake as it puts the LD on the defensive. Your question was a good one. What you should never do is ask a question where "No" is the answer you don't want to hear but it is OK to ask a question where "No" is the right answer. LDs are "NO" people, HDs are "YES" people. Your question was good because... FF: 'Is it so strange that a wife wants to ML to her husband?' FH: (instinctively) "No" (then thinks) "Er, em, no I suppose not" [H reached over and stroked my hair, said 'Thanks for being there']. Result!!!
FF: Nothing new, been there before. Wrong... This IS new because you now have a strategy and you have started to communicated it to H. Your goal is to ML every week and until you are you must gently and persistently (without EVER begging) communicate that goal to H. Eventually he will come round. Here's a strategy that is based on the LD's like for order, planning and their dislike of surprises. Suggest to H that you try for a 'couple of months' making love every Friday night (pick the lowest stress night of the week). When he grumbles emphasise that it is just an experiment and surely can do no harm. If he suggests a different night go with his suggestion (you want him to buy in). Don't compromise and say anything like "If it doesn't work we can always stop". What you are aiming for is a vague timescale that actually will not end. If he is very resistant to your suggestion just let it go. Don't argue about it - you want to be able to return to the subject in a day or two when it has sunk in a bit. I think you have a very good chance of success FF because he said "Thank you for being there". That shows he wants to deal with the problem and needs your help. The reason why I think a once-a-week "Just do it" strategy is so effective is because it reduces the one thing that LDs hate most "PRESSURE" and appeals to one thing they do like, routine. Once a week on a fixed day means that the LD has time to prepare themselves, make sure they are clean and prepared mentally (resigned to the inevitable). The best way to manage the night itself is to let the LD have their shower/bath first and get into bed. You have a quick shower/bath (do not give him time to go to sleep!) then snuggle in, don't say anything just get straight to business giving him no chance to make excuses. After a month or so of reasonable success you should find yourself in a comfortable routine where the LD has accepted it as normal behaviour (and secretly quite likes it). This is the position I am in now. The next challenge is to improve the quality and variety before trying to introduce other days of the week but that is a long term project. Good luck FF. SD
That was great, FF! "Is it so strange that a W wants to ML to her husband?" I know that took some MAJOR courage to say that, and, as SuprDave said, what a "crafty" way to put it!
I'm currently giving W the month of October "off," even though our anniversary is Saturday. I guess it's part of my anniversary present to her. But I will remember your method, and hopefully, in November, I'll use it.
Quote: Your question was a good one. What you should never do is ask a question where "No" is the answer you don't want to hear but it is OK to ask a question where "No" is the right answer. LDs are "NO" people, HDs are "YES" people.
I also liked your way of putting the Friday ML session as an "experiment." I've tried it her way, maybe we should give MY way a try, too. All in all, great post, SD! Hairdog
He is starting to melt. This could get exciting. I think SuperDave's advice is great for you. My methodology of picking up the largest hammer and bludgeoning him would not work too well in your cultural situation.
hairdog, That is how I got my W (to my absolute amazement) to agree to once a week. I said it was "just as an experiment for a couple of months or so and what harm can it do to try?" and we are still going after a good few months. I see no reason why it should stop and am fairly optimistic that we could introduce another day in future. Go for it hairdog! Don't wait for a month, start planting the idea in her head today and by November she should hopefully be ready to start. SD
Thanks guys! I did spend some time before I went in thinking about how I was going to word things (you remember this can be a sore point with H).
SD, I have to agree, your idea about 'experimenting' is brilliant. So far H has blocked the idea of 'just doing it' by saying that we're just learning to play - no way we can perform a concerto yet - but maybe if I put it that way he'll warm to the idea.(aagh, you'd think we were talking about getting him to wallpaper or something!)
, I've only started 'initiating' (if that's what you can call it) again rather recently, and getting this far is a big step. Used to be he wouldn't let me touch him.
This could get exciting. I think SuperDave's advice is great for you. My methodology of picking up the largest hammer and bludgeoning him would not work too well in your cultural situation.