After recommitting to our relationship on a more positive footing, Thursday afternoon, my H called Thursday night for a phone date. We had two interesting discussions.
My H brought up another actual physiological issue that he has discovered over the past monthes had contributed to his LD. My H has had severe eczema since birth. Early in life he developed the bad habit of indulging in somewhat manic scratching fits. He has these "fits" so often that they became the sort of thing that I didn't even notice much over the years. He said that for many years he has had a sort of subconscious feeling that there was something vaguely sexual about his scratching fits. Once when she was little our daughter, trying to be a little helper, came up to my H and tried to help him scratch. He said he remembers being horrified, but not quite able to understand why he had such a strong reaction to her offer of help.
When he first started travelling on this job, my H was in training and had to share cramped living accommodations with another man and therefore wasn't able to indulge his scratching habit. He said he noticed that during this time period, the amount of sexual fantasizing he did increased dramatically. Since I started pressuring him for more sex at about the same time, he decided to do some "experiments" on himself to see if not scratching would increase his desire. It seemed to work, but he wasn't sure if it might not be a placebo effect.
I was fascinated by this revelation so I did some research on the internet and discovered that scratching causes a release of histamine from the mast cells in the skin. The interesting and relevant fact is that orgasm also causes a release of histamine from the mast cells. The "flush" at orgasm is the exact physiological equivalent of the sense of relief one gets from scratching an itch. In fact many women have difficulty achieving orgasm because they have low blood levels of histamine. This is also why antihistimines are liable to lower sexual drive and function. So, my conclusion is that it is quite possible that my H was giving his brain the chemical message that he had experienced an orgasm by indulging in his manic scratching fits. Since he had these fits at least once a day, theoretically this could significantly reduce his desire. IMO this makes sense in terms of his pattern of LD since he had no difficulty in acheiving erection and no real inhibitions or performance issues once aroused. He simply wasn't interested in becoming aroused. This must be a scientific fact that people somehow "know" without understanding because it is common to refer to feeling horny as needing to "scratch an itch".
Of course, I wouldn't be so foolish to ascribe most or even much of our problems to this theory. Obviously, at least to the extent my H was indulging his porn habit and ignoring my needs, he was motivated by resentment. Equally important in the equation was my lack of self-esteem and therefore confidence in addressing this issue as well as issues of emotional connection over the years.
The second interesting discussion my H and I had was regarding the fact that we both feel like we were too young emotionally when we married. Neither of us were ready to make that sort of committment. He felt resentment about having to take on responsibilities he wasn't quite ready to assume. I became depressed because the month that I was married nearly all my friends loaded themselves in a van and moved to the west coast. For many years, my life as a yound married wife and mother didn't seem real to me. I felt like I was "playing house". I'm sure my H probably felt I was like a bossy older sister who was directing the game by saying things like "You be the Daddy. Go to work and then come home and say "Hi Honey. That dinner sure smells delicious."". I know that part of the reason he rebelled against my sexual demands was that he felt that I probably read in a woman's magazine that most couples had sex twice a week and therefore that was the "right" way to play the "game". I was too inhibited or unsure of our relationship to tell him I was HD in a completely straightforward way.
We decided that we both sort of regret missing out on our "20s" and jumping right into married parental responsibility. We also agree that our relationship missed out on a certain level of emotional connection for this reason. So, we decided that for the time being instead of being a middle aged married couple bored with each other's company and preoccupied with college savings programs and lawn care, we will be a couple in their 20s engaged in a new romance. Therefore, I am really looking forward to my boyfriend coming to visit me this weekend. I told him that unfortunately there are a couple of surly teenagers staying with me that might get in the way of our fun. He said "That's okay. We'll just chill out on Sunday and then we'll do it all day long while they're at school on Monday.".
Even better. He just called me as I was typing this post to say that he's not going to make it home without having to call me for a "date". He told me I'm 'all over the bed" in his head.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
