H stayed home during the week again, on Friday night he told me he was going out (with OW). I said okay and left to go shopping. I was on my way home and H called me, said that he was back home again and asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I said okay and we went for drinks. I don't know why he didn't go with OW...We avoided R discussions except at one point H told me that I always make him feel better, that I always am able to calm his fears, but that he needs more? H got drunk and then he told me to stop taking the birth control pill, that he needs something to force him to break away from 'her'... I told him we need to discuss this another day. The next day he told me that he was acting a bit desperate the night before and that I should stay on the pill until we figure out if we are going to work out or not. I agreed.
We spent most of saturday lounging around the house, we were kissing at one point and he told me to give him a hickey...(I am usally terrible at doing this, but not that day...) I left a big one on his neck. Later that day he told me that he is trying to spend less time with OW. He said that OW cries for him all the time. He also told me that he is very sad. I didn't comment about the OW and just listened. H told me that he had to go out tonight, but he hoped to be home early.
He showed up early the next day (this is the first time in 3 weeks that he stayed over at her place). I wasn't too upset cause I know that there was no way for OW to miss that hickey on his neck. I know that she believes that there is nothing happening between H and myself, so now she can see that there still IS something between us....
H and I were hugging together on the couch and he told me that he missed me last night and couldn't wait to hug me. H told me that he thinks that MAYBE he should end things with OW. He said that he knows he has to make a decision. He told me that he is trying to be 'difficult' with OW so that she will stop caring about him so much. I told him that he should just tell her that he can't see her anymore. He said he can't stop cold turkey, he told me that he loves her very much and she loves him very much, and that it would be way too much for him to handle right now if he were to end things abruptly, especially since he is really stressed about his new job.
I said I understand. H said that he realizes he has to come back to me because he can't see me hurting anymore. He said that since 'I' can't let go of him, he is coming back. I asked him why he thinks I won't let go of him. He said because I have not moved on, I have not dated or talked to other guys. He also said that he doesn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life because of him. He knows that I am older and that I might not be able to start over with someone else in time to have kids and a family etc... (I had told him this was one of my fears). He said OW is 7 years younger than me, and she will have no problem finding someone else. He said that he knows he and OW would be happy together but he feels that he owes it to me to try and make things work between us. Plus he does still love me very much.
I told him that he needs to understand that things wouldn't work between him and OW, that their whole relationship was based on a lie, and that he continues to lie to her etc... He said that they love each other so he knows it would work. I reminded him that we loved each other too, and it wasn't enough, that there is more to making a relationship work than love. He started to get defensive so I dropped it.
H also said that he is not 100% sure about what he is doing, that he could change his mind again (he seemed exasperated with himself). I told him I understand that.
Personally I think that there are a few things happening here:
H has finally realized that he can't be happy at the same time he is hurting me, and potentially our son.
H says that he is coming back because of MY inability to let him go, I think he is just using that as an excuse, I think that he realizes that things will be way too complicated for him if he leaves me for OW (finances, our son, our families etc...) Also, I don't think he can live with the guilt.
H is trying to break away from OW, but he can't let go easily...
H told me that if things do work out with us, he wants us to have children right away (this was one of the problems we had before). I agreed. We had some conversations about what our baby would look like, we also talked about some stuff we wanted to do to our home in the future.
I am not changing my focus, I have heard similar things from H before, although this is the closest he has come to coming back to me. I have to be careful to continue to db and keep my changes permanent.
I hope that H can resist the pull of OW...It bothers me that he thinks that things would work out between them, I don't know if he actually believes that or if he is just fooling himself. I know that if he actually accepts the fact that he and Ow won't work as true, he would have less trouble letting her go. Oh well, that is his problem. I guess I will just have to be patient. Now that we have moved on to this new stage, I will have to take stock of how things are progessing. If I find that things are dragging on too long, I may have another talk with him or do something differently...
