Well, it's time for my update. Last week H didn't see OW at all, he usually goes with her once during the week. That's 2 weeks in a row that he didn't go out during the week, and then he only saw her last saturday (23rd). He texted me and told me he missed me that night. We had a pretty good week, spending a lot of time together and with our son.
Well that was the good news, unforturnately he went with her on this past Friday AND Saturday night. He hasn't done that in a month or so. I was sad (I know I shouldn't be letting what he does affect me....). I was hoping that things were winding down after all the fights they have had and the reduction in time he spends with her. But it seems that everything is dandy again in lalaland. On sunday when he came home, he told me that he wasn't going out next weekend, that is why is went out both nights. SHE probably has plans so that is why he isn't going with her (ASSuming again). On sunday night when we were going to bed H was hugging me and then he said that he wished I didn't love him. I got really upset and started crying. I told him that I think I need to leave this place. He said he was sorry, but he just meant that he hates hurting me. He said ILU, and I said it back.
The next morning (monday) I acted as if all was normal. I was feeling very discouraged, but then I came on site here and read some stories that gave me encouragement. I put on my happy face when I got home and tried to push the negative thoughts out of my head. At night we went out. While we were there H asked me what I meant when I said I needed to leave - did I mean right at that moment to get out of the room, Or to actually leave the house. I told him that I meant to leave the house. He said quietly that he thought I didn't want to leave our home. I replied that I didn't WANT to leave the house, but sometimes I feel like it would be best. He asked me if I felt like I was going crazy cause of the sitch. I said yes sometimes. Then I changed the subject and we had fun the rest of the night.
I know it was a backslide to cry, but I think my saying that I should leave is bothering him. I warned him a few weeks ago that we can't continue in this limbo land forever, that sooner or later, either myself or OW will get tired of it - and that I hope for his sake that OW leaves before I do etc...(in my earlier post)... I hope he is remembering this conversation now and realized that I meant it...
On the positive side, he is doing a lot of stuff for the house and talking about the future as if we are in it together. Also he wants to go out with me this Friday night and suggested we go to a hotel afterwards instead of driving home. I will do my best to become the OW.... I hope I find the strength to continue this dbing, I find myself wanting to give up more often lately....
