Corri said: -------------- Ah. I see. Eliminates damaage and potentially builds trust just through repetition and reinforcement. There really isn't anything else he can do....
...except buy the Boundaries book and go see a shrink to help him vent HIS frustration and get professional help on forming a game plan. --------------
You are right, the book and help are a good idea. I do think that HD can get the ball rolling if he can distance himself from his hurts and pain long enough for his wife to get in the act.
It is very easy (guilty person speaking here) to build your walls so high that no one can climb them in order to help you out...
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have the Boundaries book on hold at my library. I will call my counselor today or tomorrow to set up an appointment.
You know, last night, when I wanted to further engage my wife in the "you don't take compliments well" argument, and held back, I actually visualized all of you helpful folks sitting around a table, shaking your heads, and one of you saying, "just wait till tomorrow morning and vent with us." I think it was HP that said that, because she was wearing a grey sweatshirt that said, "Goodyear" on it.
The hardest thing to change in a relationship is the very thing that must be changed in order to save it.
Please make sure that calling the counsellor and getting the book are SECONDARY to your taking action in your relationship. It is good that you are willing to get help and read the book. Just make sure that you aren't procrastinating on doing anything with the information. I think that is your particular weakness in your relationship.
Fear is a relationship killer.
All the best, HD. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hairy, I don't wear sweats. Change your fusion fantasy a bit and, yes, you've got yourself an accurate picture. I would have told you that. Sometimes it is better to NOT say everything that you wanna.
Honey, who never takes her own advice, even when it is imaginary.
Hi Hairy...I haven't posted in a long long while, but I'm sure my story is still there somewhere.
For almost a year now I've been a lurker, reading and watching as everyone's story unfolded. I quit posting after only a few times as I was the WAS and the reaction I received from some was a little more than I could bear...
However, I've read your story and keep up with your stich...and for whatever reason, I felt the need to have my password re-emailed to me so that I could login to reply to you.
Can I ask you something? How would your wife react if you answered or reacted to her with humor instead of always being downtrodded? By this I mean "heavy" answers? Does that make sense? My ex was this very way - everything to him was serious and deep and heavy - a major turn off for me (despite all our other mess, this was a major push away). It got to the point that I avoided him like a plague because we couldn't have a normal conversation without heavy talk being introduced. Do I feel that it's necessary? Yes, certainly there are times for that - but doesn't it need to get to a point FIRST that you can have a conversation with closeness? Does any of that make sense?
I really do know what I'm trying to say...even if I am suckin' at trying to say it...
I feel for you - I do understand the struggles that my X went through trying to be close to me (which obviously didn't happen since he's the X)...but I also understand the breathing room I needed from all the "heavy" talk...
I hope this helps. Maybe it will, maybe it won't but I had to add my $.27
Mightymom: My story brought out a lurker! I am truly honored. I certainly don't hold anything against you for being a WAS.
As for using humor, you obviously know that, if this were a class, I would be one of the class clowns. Unfortunately, my humor tends to fall flat with my W. I guess I haven't tried it recently, since everything seems to be so heavy around here, so maybe I'll see how it goes over. As you can imagine, my humor is certainly one of the things that drew her to me in the first place. In fact, it was the more cynical,facetious type of humor that I used on her at first, because I felt there was nothing to lose: she was living in a city 2.5 hours away...I didn't think it was likely the R would go anywhere.
Anything's worth a try.
I really appreciate you chiming in and giving your 2 cents plus inflation.
Don't be such a stranger. I think a lot of us could benefit from the point of view of a WAS. And maybe you'll learn something from us as well.
Well, I just typed for 5 minutes giving you a quick update to where I am now-in-days, but decided there really isn't any reason in rehasing old news - tis a new day!
However, can't resist a nutshell update: Met a wonderful man, kids love him, 2 months after dating the kids asked him to marry me, worked through a ton of ca-ca with the X and am at a place that I am in love with me and my life. If you read my old story, no my family still isn't speaking to me, but my X, my new guy (whom I married in July) and I have a WONDERFUL relationship. We all email or phone daily about the kids and what's going on with them and so on. I got to a place that I knew these were the relationships that I needed to invest myself in.
Ok...now that is outta the way...
I guess what I tried to say before is that I see both of your sides. You would be gettin' on my nerves with all your "heavy" talk (which is the only way I really know how to describe it) and pushing me away making me cringe whenever I saw an email from you (speaking from experience here...)
I know it's tough Hairy, I've been on both sides of the fence. Let me ask you this: You say your humor tends to fall flat on her - but how would it make YOU feel? Would it give you a better outlook? Make things seem not so heavy and in turn maybe change you some? I am NOT suggesting that in any way you back away from what you need, want, desire etc, Remember when your kids were little and you wanted them to eat? Dang it, you knew they needed to eat, they knew they needed to eat, but no matter what they were NOT going to open their mouths leading both of you pissy and covered in strained peas...but did you ever play the airplane game? ever act like you were eating some and yumyum loved it? ever act silly and lighten the mood enough to get a bite in?
I guess now that I'm removed from it and can see it from afar it makes perfect sense to me...
Heck, you aren't planning to go anywhere right now, so why not have fun in the mean time? The very least that could happen is she gets pissy from you eating your peas in an airplane hanger
I'm here all day....
p.s. I think there's more of my story, if you're truly bored and looking for something to do under "stillmightymom". I had forgotten my password...
Thanks mightymom...I will try to make time and go check out your story.
The strained peas analogy is a good one. JustJenny is the current queen of analogies here, but maybe you could give her a run for her money. I liked, especially, your question about how being humorous would make ME feel. Well, probably pretty good, although a lot of my humor depends on the reaction I get. Then again, too much of MY actions and moods depend on what others' reactions or expected reactions are. I need to focus more on making myself a happier camper.
It sounds like you're in a good place now. Wow, both your H and your X communicate well? My W and my X have tried in the past to communicate, but usually end up clawing and scratching at each other.
I'd like to be queen...but I'll settle for Princess
You're right in saying that maybe you depend too much on what others' reactions or expected reactions are... You bake a good cake, you dang sure tasted it yourself, you KNOW it's good, whether anyone else decides to jump on your dessert band wagon of love is THEIR choice and THEIR loss... heck, you even have first dibs at licking the spoon.
I know it's easier said than done. I know this. I know this. I know this. (hence, having said that, I am currently going through the hormonal changes with my nearly 16 yr old wonderful son...I feel as though one of us ain't gonna make it through!)
Speaking of current and X's...my new guy actually picked up a copy of the new Madden 2005 for himself AND the X. Of course the X paid him back and all We said we are either the weirdest group around or the picture of maturity. We all voted for the later
MightyMom, who likes the boys playing well together, but refuses to fix fingerfoods for any upcoming Madden challenges.
You're scaring me. You broke on through to the other side, and you're loving it. At times, I chalk up my clinging to a sexless marriage to religion or morals, but in the end, it's mainly fear of the unknown that keeps me here.
