Hairy, I don't see anything wrong with your approach except for the fact that you did not mention that you were going to tell this to your wife, in plain language. JUST how you told us.
Imo, it can't really be a boundary unless it is communicated to the other person in some fashion. Otherwise it is resignation. The other person has to know where they stand and what you are all about. I know, for myself, I would hate it if my H had made a boundary and then not told me about it and left it up to me to guess/assume/wonder what was going on. Oh wait, he did do that. For four years.
Now, to be fair, I did not confront him on this (for my own chickenpoop reasons) but still.....it rankled me for a looong time that he had made a decision and not told me about it.
I think your wife deserves to know what is going on inside you. I believe what she was trying to do last night was to self disclose. Now we all know that she sucks at this and so instead of REALLY disclosing anything, she just gets defensive and says abrasive things to you designed to get you riled up.....but still.....I believe that in her heart she INTENDED to have a heart to heart with you. It's just that when the rubber hits the road, she can't bring herself to be vulnerable. Oh well her loss.
I just wanted to say that a true boundary occurs when you SAY it to the other person...'Hey this is what I am all about and this is what I intend to do about it.'
Best of luck and we are all pulling for you. I think this is definitely an opportunity for a 180 and you shouldn't let it pass. The 180 being, of course, your golden opportunity to say "you know what...your offering of Maybe Sex/Maybe Not sucks and I have no intention of living the rest of my life that way. Until that day I will treat you with love and respect but don't say I didn't warn you about what lies ahead if it stays this way."
Ok, so maybe not in such a threatening way...Mo's way sounded MUCH better, but you kwim!
