As long as your wife blames you for her not wanting to have sex (You pressure me all the time, and that makes me not want to have sex), then her statement to you is NOT a boundary. It is a statement that she holds you responsible for her actions and reactions (or in this case, lack thereof).
It is clear that you cannot see the freedom you have in responding, making choices, and limiting the ways your wife's behavior affects you. Marriage was never meant to be enslavement. Boundaries help us to know just where someone's control begins and ends. What your wife is doing is not a boundary. It is an attempt to contorl you. What she is saying to you is: "I am this way because you act that way. If you change the way you act, then I may or may not change. I haven't decided yet."
Boundaries are not something you place on another person. Boundaries are about self.
You are not a person who will force your wife to have sex, obviously. But there is absolutely no reason that you have to be happy about this, nor accept it gracefully. She has made a strong statement to you. Now you must set a boundary on yourself.
Whether you act happy or not, or respect your wife's decision or not is solely up to you, not because of anything she has said or claimed. You cannot change her, and you recognize that. It does not mean, however, that you must give up your self-respect to honor her decision. She has no domain whatsoever on how you feel about you and your own sexuality.
To me, THIS is the time to move to the basement. She has clearly said to you that she is shutting you out. She is attempting to hold you hostage. Hairdog, make no mistake, this is a power play on her part. She cannot force you to leave the marriage, and she has no right on the planet to force you to give up a part of yourself.
In my mind, you move to the basement in order to honor yourself, not to punish her. You are not trying to manipulate or change her. You are saying, "I respect your statement, but I also respect myself."
Next, and I am NOT joking, go out and get "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. It does have a religious bent to it, but it's contents are spot on. Read it. Get an understanding of boundaries, then go to a shrink and work on setting boundaries.
You certainly can respect what your wife has said to you, but it does not mean you have to give up who you are in order to do it.
I cannot empahsize this strongly enough, Hairdog. If you continue to give up your choices and your power to your wife, you WILL lose your marriage at some point.
