Hairdog's 180?

[sat567]

W and I had a short talk last night when she came up to bed. She mentioned my email of "Yom Kippur Forgiveness" and how I focused on the "tough year we've had," instead of the good. She said that such thinking is a sign of what she says is my "covert depression." She reiterated that, as long as I thought in those terms, the M will never be satisfying to me. She said that I needed to stop "fantasizing" about what an "idealized marriage" is, and just love her for the person she is. She said that if she didn't like sex, I had to accept that, and then maybe she'd feel like having sex with me, maybe not.

I said, "thank you for sharing" or something like that, and decided I wanted it to sink in before replying.

At first, I was MAD . She admitted not liking sex! Hah, let's talk about bait and switch! She said that "maybe" she'd feel like having sex. What's that, a carrot dangling from a stick? She'll NEVER want to have sex with me!

Then, I felt profoundly SAD . There is NO WAY OUT . . . except for divorce. My life, as I know it, will end. No seeing DD3 every day. No comforts of this home.

Then, I felt MAD again . It's HER fault that this life will end! Her bait and switch! Would it kill her to ML with me? Why can't she budge an inch just to make this a happy home?

And then I remember something that Corri has hammered: Boundaries. My W has set this boundary up: she won't ML with me because she doesn't WANT to ML with me. Well, of course that sucks for me, but, what is wrong with her setting this boundary? I know, the whole "marriage is the only relationship where you can share your sexuality morally" argument, but let's set that aside for a minute.

Hold this thought: W has set a boundary.

Now, this thought: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. I think Einstein said that, or it is often attributed to him.

What I do over and over again after such a talk with my W is get MAD, resentful, jump around like an angry troll, try to make her feel bad, etc.

Why not try something different? Corri had suggested something a while ago, and I was not ready to try it. Here's what she said:

Why don't you tell your W "I am really sorry that I have been feeling resentful towards you because we are not having sex. I'm sure that I have expressed this resentment in many overt and subtle ways over the years. I am a grown man and if I continue in a relationship in which I have to make the enormous sacrifice of giving up my sex life, clearly there is some benefit I am gaining. If I ever feel that having a sex life is more important than staying in this relationship then I will leave. Until then I will treat you with the respect you deserve for taking responsibility for your own happiness by choosing not to have sex with me because you don't want to have sex with me."

The last sentence, about treating her with respect, really rankled me when I first read it.

This morning, I tried to read it again, especially in conjunction with the "180" way of thinking. It had a profound effect on me. Unlike my YK Forgiveness email, which was sent with, admittedly, an underlying intent to stir sh!t up, and not entirely an intent to forgive and ask for forgiveness, I felt a wave of . . . (hairdog's searching for the word) . . . hope? respect? love? I don't know how to say it.

If I were to say to her this last sentence, about respect and boundaries, she may not believe me. What she believes is not within my power. As I've told people many times here, the only thing that is truly within your power is your attitude.

My focusing on sex with her has brought me nothing but pain. Even during the few times when we have had sex over the last few years, it hasn't been particularly enjoyable, for either one of us.

So why not truly forgive her, tell her I respect her for her boundary-setting, and move on? Move on with enjoying my life . . . my W (who is a good friend); my kids; my own interests (which I have left behind over the years, but which I intend to rediscover); my friends; my body (I've been working out at the fitness center for a week and already feel better).

If I reach the point, as set out in Corri's statement above where I feel like having a sex life is more important than remaining in the relationship, then I will move on. I'm not there yet.

Am I doing this because I think I'll get more sex from W? No. I thought about that at first, but the practical, realistic part of me says she will not change.

I guess I realized that I can choose three paths: The first way is to keep on doing what I'm doing, which causes me and W a lot of pain. The second way is to divorce her immediately and this will cause me and W pain, and my kids a lot of pain, too. The third way is to accept her as she is, which will, I know, cause me some pain from time to time, but that's why I seek the help of all of you on the board, so I can vent, seek solutions, wallow, etc. The third way doesn't cause her any pain, doesn't cause my kids any pain, and relatively speaking, will allay my pain over time.

I know, I'm sounding like celibatedad.

I feel sad, yet, at the same time, somewhat liberated.

I know I won't always feel sad, and I know I won't always feel liberated from my pain. But I think this is the right thing to do if I truly love my W. Why would I want to continue to cause her pain? Maybe if I visualize her with a physical disability it will make it easier for me to handle this.

I'm so tired of the pain.

Hairdog

[Johanna]

((((((Hairy Pup))))))

JoJo

[annette]

Hairydoggie

I know I won't always feel sad, and I know I won't always feel liberated from my pain. But I think this is the right thing to do if I truly love my W. Why would I want to continue to cause her pain? Maybe if I visualize her with a physical disability it will make it easier for me to handle this

Hmmmmmmmmmmm I guess I don't see the point in thinking like if you truely love someone you will accept them like that. After all didn't you accept her for herself at the beginning when you had a physical relationship? Physical disability doesn't make it that much easier to live without phylical love. I might get blasted here by others by saying those things.

If this is how you really feel, I wish you all the best

Annette

[Corri]

Hairdog:

I detect some editing in a statement you've attributed to me. I am thinking of a response. In the meantime, I will try with all my power not to hop on my broom, fly to Missouri and bury my very pointy witch shoe in the nether regions of your wife's derrier.

Corri

[cinemanymph]

((((Fuzzy)))))
I am sad for you.

[SolidMechanic]

Then, I felt profoundly SAD .

Gee, HD there seems to be a lot of that going on.

I think it is important for your R to achieve some level of mutual acceptance. There is no hope of getting close as a couple without it. Can she accept that you are a sexual person? That you will never be happy with the marriage without a sex life? That the result of "agreeing to disagree" is that she will always get her way in this issue and that you will rarely get your way? I hope that your willingness to accept her lack of sexual desire acts as a window that allows her to see your situation with more compassion.

SM

[Julie33]

Hairdoggie,

So you want to buy yourself some time and put off the inevitable...there is nothing wrong with that. I was at that point about 3 years ago. I can tell you that eventually a day will come when you will be ready to make that choice, or present her with the choice, as the case may be. As Mo keeps saying, you cannot fake it.

Meanwhile, let me throw this out at you. Fwiw, I think your wife is in a lot of pain too. She is very angry obviously, and this masks her pain, fear and frustration. You know her and your marriage better than any of us...maybe you have an inkling as to why she feels this way. This is about so much more than sex. Peel that onion, baby.

Cyberhugs to you, my friend.

J

[Bube]

HD,

I think that this is a positive thing. Maybe, just maybe, your new acceptance of the status quo will relieve some of the "pressure" on her. Maybe this new attitude will make her feel better: better about you, better about herself, and better about the R. IMHO, only good can come of that.

You mentioned a couple of choices and a couple of potential outcomes, but let me offer another one. What if your acceptance actually improves things? It's quite possible that like Mrs. SD finding her desire when he quit asking, Mrs. Dog might rediscover hers when she perceives that the R is different/better. I wouldn't suggest that you bank on that possibility, but I wouldn't discount it either.

Wildebube

[InherJourney]

HD...
I was actually looking to you today for a punny post of sorts, but I received something more instead. I realized I am toning myself down as an act of compromise and acceptance of my H and where he is at. Thank you for the insight.
Just a note: if you are going to accept her, just try to make sure you aren't doing it in a begrudging manner; IOW, try to keep appreciation in the picture.
Glad you can vent here about how the plan is working out, and whether it becomes time to do that line in the sand stuff again.
Hugggs,
IHJ

[sat567]

Thanks for all your support. Don't worry, IHJ, I'm still feeling punny, and will hop on anyone's prepositional misuse if given the chance.

Wildebube, as I noted in my post, I was thinking initially that things might change for better in the ML department, but reality set in, and I am DEFINITELY not banking on it. I am doing this for other reasons; mainly, to end the suffering.

Johanna, your reply, simple as it was, made me feel great. You've described yourself as a large woman, and I just felt myself enveloped by your sympathy and compassion.

Corri: Come on, brunhilda, kick your broom into gear!

Hairdog
Hairdog