I hope you understand that I was not making light of your advice. My reaction was one of pure amazement for its obvious and simplistic brilliance.
I just hope I can do it... -------------
Hi, Corri.
Your thread was locked so I am replying here.
I am not a bit upset. MrsNOP and I were at a function all evening, hence my late reply.
As for you being able to do something, I have no doubt whatsoever that you can do whatever you put your mind to.
I personally want to see your hubby 'get it'. You two will probably have 15 more years to enjoy it than MrsNOP and me.
MrsNOP and I had a great evening. I got the chance to put some of my non-sexual desire for her to work this evening doing something she really enjoys. We had a great time and met some fine people!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Welp, I couldn't 'fix' this weekend, for the plan I had to 'fix' it fell through. Meaning, the spa I chose was booked. I told H. He said, "well, now what?" And I said, with complete honesty, "I don't know." And I LET IT GO. That, in and of itself, is miraculous.
So, I suppose H got with Male Friend and they decided on a resort about two hours away from us, lined up golf for themselves and two mAssages for me and my Girl Friend.
All I have to do is show up.
In a slightly smaller event, H leaves an insurance bill on the counter one morning. He pays the bills. I do not. So I supposed it was out for a reason. It was. He came home that night and said, "Why didn't you pay this?" And I said, "I didn't know you wanted me to. All you had to do was ask, I would have been happy to help." He said, "well, my leaving it there meant I wanted you to pay it." And I said, "Okay. That's not what I got out of it." And I let it go AGAIN.
So the next day, H asks me to call said insurance company to see if they could get us a different quote for coverage. "You just call them and ask them x, y, z about this and they'll give you numbers."
And I said, "I'm sorry honey, that isn't anything I want to do." Him, shocked, "Why not?" Me: "Because I can call and do that, and I'll get numbers, but then you will endlessly question me about it, and eventually ask me why I didn't do x, y, z, and then you'll have me call again... So... since you obviously are quite clear in what you want, you have stated yourself that this is in fact simple and does not take much time, I think it would be best if you do this yourself."
Corri, I was laughing so hard at this post. Good for you!
I have had similar "call the insurance company" exchanges with H also and eventually just told him to either find time to do it at work or let me handle it and then accept whatever I told him. I especially loved the "I can't either" response!
This whole exercise in planning the spa weekend will be good for your H. It will boost his own sense of contribution to his wife (an important factor in feeling like a good mate, right) as well as lessen his dependency on you to take care of everything. A two-fer, yeah!
Have a great time and if I am still around when you return from your weekend, I will be searching out the nearest bridge from which to hurl myself.
I hesitated to say this in your other thread, because it was kind of an offensive notion, and I didn't want to read too much into your H's behavior. But your experience with the insurance clinches it. Your husband thinks of you as his employee.
The insurance bill, the weekend planning, these are the kinds of things that he happens to think our too trivial for him to deal with. After all, being an important vice president means that his time is too valuable to deal with nitty gritty details. It's up to him to come up with the Big Ideas, and his underlings (Corri, Marriage Group Manager - nice title, eh?) to carry out the big ideas. Recognizing your competencies in marital areas, including the advanced training (counciling) that you have taken, he has wisely delegated authority for marital issues to you.
Now, I'm sure this was not conscious on his part, but he has been complaining about being stressed out and not having enough time, and this is how he deals with people at work, where this model of behavior is quite reasonable and works well. You may not have put a finger on why he has been treating you this way (hell, you probably think my theory is total crap to begin with), but you have made it plain that you aren't happy with the asymmetry in your marriage. It just fits the pattern.
That's why I'm having fun watching you rearrange his organizational chart. Instead of being in a box underneath him, you are putting your box right next to him with a straight dark line connecting the two of you. Marriage has to be equal. It's a partnership. It's like rowing a boat: when one oar doesn't row as hard as the other, you just go in circles.
Ok, you're getting him to take care of details that make a marriage function, what about big picure items? Maybe you should develop evaluation forms to fill out. You can have two sections: one for generic characteristics, such as Punctuality, Attitude, Work Ethic, Functional Competence, etc. These are graded on a scale of 1 to 5. Then you could have a section with goals that are measurable and specific to each partner. You could fill one out for him, and he can fill one out for you. I recommend that you do these quarterly (it's October 1, perfect timing, but you better get cracking), and you're going to have to institute a bonus system so you or he can be rewarded for getting high scores and achieving goals.
SM
PS: I'm obviously being tongue in cheek, but your H might truely be out of touch with the notion of being your intimate partner. What your doing is a good wake up call, but getting this to translate to the thornier issues will obviously be more difficult.
Have a good weekend!
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
It is so funny you brought up this analogy!!! I can't tell you how many times I have told him outright: "Honey, I love you. But I am your wife, not your secretary."
As for the weekend, I plan to remain open and passionately eager for whatever pops up. (LOLOLOLOL!!! Oh shoot, I crack myself up). May even initiate my own way of thanking my prince.
This damsal in distress thing is kinda cool. As long as I don't get myself fired.
SM...that was a good analogy. I've felt like my W's employee before. Or her child. Or her slave (although, unfortunately, not her sex slave). I threw a peasant's revolt about 6 months ago and got out of washing her clothes, cooking dinner every night, and making her coffee on weekends. Me and myself intend to celebrate this day annually, similar to Bastille Day. Not sure what to call it yet.
