Corri - Break on through part two

[SolidMechanic]

Dear Corri,

I hesitated to say this in your other thread, because it was kind of an offensive notion, and I didn't want to read too much into your H's behavior. But your experience with the insurance clinches it. Your husband thinks of you as his employee.

The insurance bill, the weekend planning, these are the kinds of things that he happens to think our too trivial for him to deal with. After all, being an important vice president means that his time is too valuable to deal with nitty gritty details. It's up to him to come up with the Big Ideas, and his underlings (Corri, Marriage Group Manager - nice title, eh?) to carry out the big ideas. Recognizing your competencies in marital areas, including the advanced training (counciling) that you have taken, he has wisely delegated authority for marital issues to you.

Now, I'm sure this was not conscious on his part, but he has been complaining about being stressed out and not having enough time, and this is how he deals with people at work, where this model of behavior is quite reasonable and works well. You may not have put a finger on why he has been treating you this way (hell, you probably think my theory is total crap to begin with), but you have made it plain that you aren't happy with the asymmetry in your marriage. It just fits the pattern.

That's why I'm having fun watching you rearrange his organizational chart. Instead of being in a box underneath him, you are putting your box right next to him with a straight dark line connecting the two of you. Marriage has to be equal. It's a partnership. It's like rowing a boat: when one oar doesn't row as hard as the other, you just go in circles.

Ok, you're getting him to take care of details that make a marriage function, what about big picure items? Maybe you should develop evaluation forms to fill out. You can have two sections: one for generic characteristics, such as Punctuality, Attitude, Work Ethic, Functional Competence, etc. These are graded on a scale of 1 to 5. Then you could have a section with goals that are measurable and specific to each partner. You could fill one out for him, and he can fill one out for you. I recommend that you do these quarterly (it's October 1, perfect timing, but you better get cracking), and you're going to have to institute a bonus system so you or he can be rewarded for getting high scores and achieving goals.

SM

PS: I'm obviously being tongue in cheek, but your H might truely be out of touch with the notion of being your intimate partner. What your doing is a good wake up call, but getting this to translate to the thornier issues will obviously be more difficult.

Have a good weekend!