The love you initiate...

[sage]

L2W and MF,

Thank you SO much for the suggestions and for the reminder that I don't have to go for the grandiose gesture! That the small things will do just fine (note that this is not the ONLY time I have gone for the gusto and ignored the small pickings!).

As you both suggested, I need to get more into the "service mind" mentality of doing things every day ...

***************
Had a good night last night (well, except for the Red Sox losing!). I left work right on time and went to the grocery store and liquor store. By the time I picked h up at the train I had started creating a "Fenway Park experience" at home...had sausage, peppers and onions cooking, a few Bud's on ice, some peanuts ready to go and Red/white/blue cookies for dessert.

H was suprised and very appreciative! he was also VERY busy still with schoolwork so I don't think he got to enjoy the game as much as he would have liked.

QT: Check

AOS: See above for the "big bang". I also cleaned up the kitchen, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, brought dinner up to h, etc.

WOA: Not sure...positive thoughts about school?

PT: Snuggling on couch

**********

Getting my hair cut tonight so h will be picking up dinner. What do they eat in NY? We need to go "anti red sox food" to negate the bad vibes from last night...I think we're thinking Pizza!

Sage

[MovingForward]

Love the Fenway Park experience! Now you got me thinking ... a rodeo themed dinner may be in order.

[Love2Win]

That sounds like a nice thing to have done.

One other note, do you need to do all of the LL every day? or can you try to do some of them each day to even out the pressure you may be feeling trying to capture them in one snowball? just a thought.....

Is it time to sit back and take note to see what is working and let it take affect? Just wondering if you do it on a daily basis if it will be too overwhelming to live by as time goes on.....just wondering if you're "pouring it on too thick" right now and it needs to filter in?

Just some thoughts to consider, but ultimately you know what is the best path to take since you know your sit better . Keep up the good work! Tootles..........

[JinBklyn]

I think it's interesting that you are trying to keep up each LL every day. S. (my partner) and I were talking about the 5LL (I posted much more about this over on my thread), and we decided that it wasn't necessarily that we had primary LL, per se, but that we received some more than others, and that when we were low on one or two, we felt that need more prominently. We discussed that we need all 5 at one time or another, and it fluctuates much as a stereo equalizer. So we decided to chart out our LL and do an equalizer-type graph where we could check our progress. This was HIS idea.

Anyway, whatever you're doing is working! I take a lot of inspiration from you. When my current thread gets locked, I'm going to move my operation (from Newcomers) over to Piecing, so I hope to have some of your excellent feedback on my thread!

What do we eat in New York? Hmm. A lot of French food, from all the bistros all over the place.

[shinybear]

Great Catch-up here, Sage

Are you SURE you're not a psychologist?

Excellent work on those connections to "success"...now consciously replace those negative messages.

Kudos on the "listening" post way, way above...I like to THINK I'm a good listener...but...I have cut people off and LOVE to "empathize" with a "me too!" story....gotta work on that.

About having big stomping (inner) baby moments...oh, hell, don't we all? I used to act mine out! (you too??)

Interestingly (to me?) year 2's anniversaries are much easier, but still there...not so much specific days, but the time of year, little triggers...like CJ not wanting to rack up "roaming charges" on the cell phone to call me while he's away this week...in a TINY town to the north of us...

I was pretty close to mentioning the astonishing phone bills he racked up with you know who...but I resisted.

I can't offer anything else but to say your ability to focus and work so meaningfully on yourself and your M daily is a continual amazement, and inspiration to me.

Shiny

[sage]

Hey guys...

L2W and Jennifer...thanks for the thoughts on the LLs. L2W -- when I first read your post I thought "oh, I must have conveyed that I'm really busting my butt here or overdoing it and I'm not..." but the more I thought about it the more I realized that you're not the FIRST person to suggest that I might be doing more than necessary/desired so I'm taking your thoughts in -- one thing I want to be very conscious of is if I'm telegraphing to h "I'm TRYING really HARD here" -- in the past I think he felt that I was very anxious and hepped up about trying to FIX stuff and that's not my intent here at all.

Thing is...I think I get wrapped up in some ASSumptions about what h's primary LL IS and then I get surprised...so the notion of keeping all of them in view (well, I haven't been focused on GIFTS so I hope THAT doesn't turn out to be a biggie!) is less about trying to meet them every day and more about recognizing that focusing just on 1 or 2 doesn't necessarily work in the LONGER term for us. For example...I've tended to ASSume that QT and AOS are the primary ones for h but a few weeks ago he indicated that he NEEDED to hear how much I love and appreciate him...(GOOD for him for telling me that!)...keeping them all sort of on the radar screen keeps me aware of the "balance" needed.

I guess I'd say the following about each of them

1. QT -- the hardest part for me is knowing what h considers "QT" -- I know that hiking, exercising together, movies, dinner, walking, going to ball games all COUNT. I know that he also likes quiet times at home -- cooking together (sort of a new one!), watching TV..TBH, though, I can only watch SO MUCH TV (I think that h has a much higher tolerance for it than I do) so I'd like to be reading while we're together -- I'm sure it sounds absurd but I don't know if that "counts" to him as QT...ok, maybe I do...I've asked and he says he loves it when I read on the couch with him...

2. AOS -- as you've seen...this is the one I struggle with the most... I tend to discount the small things and focus too much on the "biggies" -- I've gotten a lot better about doing stuff for h but I still worry about the house stuff (clutter, etc)

3. WOA -- I think I tend to be too flowery in my comments to h...I also think that I could focus on APPRECIATION more than just compliments, ya know? But it's a surprise to me to hear from him that he needs to HEAR from me ( )

4. PT -- I think this is more mine than his...I'm noting it every day because I need to remind myself that even though I'm not necessarily getting as often as I'd want...I DO get lots of physical touch from h...noting it to appreciate it

5. Gifts -- I don't THINK that h is much of a gifts guys so I haven't focused on this...but I do bring him something from the store (gum, whatever) when I go

6. Showing an interest -- I added this LL because my showing an honest interest in his interests has really had a positive effect...this is a combo of QT and AOS

7. Peace and quiet -- another LL I conjured up -- it may actually be the biggest one for h because I know that when I appear uncalm, agitated, aka "making crazy" it makes HIM crazy.

So all the above probably sounds even nuttier than trying to monitor the LLs daily...Lots of the stuff I'm noting is stuff I'm doing as a natural course of events...but I like to write it down because it reminds me.

Oh, you know what? as I was writing the above I realized that letting h do stuff for ME is an important one too...IOW, I can't be the LL hog in the M because that just leaves the balance horribly tipped!

I guess I DO know this...regardless of whether I'm focusing on 1, 5 or 7...what REALLY works for me is turning my focus outward ("what am I giving") as opposed to inward ("what am I GETTING"). Focusing on meeting h's needs just WORKS and also succeeds in getting my needs met.

I'm all over the map today...

Sage

[sage]

Shiny -- What a GREAT post Thanks so much for the "yes, I get it!" thoughts and also the kind words...I'm reading "The Lost Art of Listening" and really enjoying it...it's very readable and quite funny in parts...reinforces many of the thoughts in the other listening post.

I've been applying the "techniques" (aka "practicing") here at work and also at school. It's amazing to me to note how many times I rush through a conversation with someone...or spend many mind cycles trying to get MY thoughts out "first" or "soon". I've been enjoying the process of watching mindfully my conversations with others.



Sage

[sage]

Had a good day yesterday...went to get my haircut after work (looks OK but last night it looked ridiculous!) and then ran home to watch an unpleasant Red Sox defeat ARRGH. H had a LONG day at school and no one to pick him up at the train but he ran errands on his own after getting home (called it a "mini errand night" ) including picking up dinner. When I got home he had my "Pizza station" set up -- my favorite pizza, plate, napkin, salt, pepper, cheese, and hot pepper! VERY, VERY cute!

LLs....

QT: Yes, we both suffered through the game together

AOS: More his turn than mine! I did clean up the kitchen (this AM I scored points by putting out the garbage, doing the litter box, etc before he was really even up!)

WOA: Was very appreciative of the "pizza station"!

PT: Hanging out on the couch

Meeting h for drinks tonight after he gets out of school. He has a lateish presentation to attend -- he left the house this AM in a suit and tie what a total HUNK!!! He looked very handsome and distinguished!

Sage

[Heart2Heart]

Sage, you continue to inspire me, as well as serve up many good ideas to try in my own sitch.

My SO's primary LL is WOA, and I have struggled with this one bec. it isn't on the top of my list. However, I have found that if I combine the WOA concept with the M/V concept of men needing Acceptance, Appreciation, Admiration, Approval, Encouragement & Trust, it has become easier. That is, WOA can fall in any of those M/V categories. And I have found that Appreciation is a big one for him. So I make sure to appreciate all the things that he does for me now, and sometimes even in the past. I admire how hard he works, or how he handled a situation that he tells me about (& I stop short of giving unasked for advice! ), and his sailing ability. And so on...

It has become much easier to find WOA - particularly after making the list (which I add to all the time) of what I love about him. It serves as a reminder.

I guess I DO know this...regardless of whether I'm focusing on 1, 5 or 7...what REALLY works for me is turning my focus outward ("what am I giving") as opposed to inward ("what am I GETTING"). Focusing on meeting h's needs just WORKS and also succeeds in getting my needs met.

I couldn't agree more! The book I mentioned on Eyesopened's thread (I think on your's too) is absolutely spot on in that area. It has so helped me focus on giving, & on being the best me. It is so inspirational.

Glad you're enjoying the Lost Art of Listening. I got a lot out of that one and it was a quick read!

(Sorry about the Sox! )
-H2H

[JinBklyn]

Interesting to think about Gifts. I am a gift-giver... I love to buy little things that make me think about somebody and give them to him/her, so in the beginning of my R, I did this. They were never reciprocated, and in fact they were somewhat misunderstood (as in, Why are you buying me this kind of feeling), so I stopped.

Now, I wonder if I had just become more adept at speaking to him through gifts, if he wouldn't be more inclined to reciprocate (because I LOVE to be brought little romantic things - nothing expensive, just a flower, or a funny somehting or other...)

Anyway, I post all this not to talk about ME, but to highlight that it's hard to do a LL that is your own, when it isn't AT ALL your partner's... so what do you do, squelch your desire to give gifts? I found myself very resentful about this - it made me angry that I felt S. was "preventing" me from doing what is a big LL for me.