Hey guys...

L2W and Jennifer...thanks for the thoughts on the LLs. L2W -- when I first read your post I thought "oh, I must have conveyed that I'm really busting my butt here or overdoing it and I'm not..." but the more I thought about it the more I realized that you're not the FIRST person to suggest that I might be doing more than necessary/desired so I'm taking your thoughts in -- one thing I want to be very conscious of is if I'm telegraphing to h "I'm TRYING really HARD here" -- in the past I think he felt that I was very anxious and hepped up about trying to FIX stuff and that's not my intent here at all.

Thing is...I think I get wrapped up in some ASSumptions about what h's primary LL IS and then I get surprised...so the notion of keeping all of them in view (well, I haven't been focused on GIFTS so I hope THAT doesn't turn out to be a biggie!) is less about trying to meet them every day and more about recognizing that focusing just on 1 or 2 doesn't necessarily work in the LONGER term for us. For example...I've tended to ASSume that QT and AOS are the primary ones for h but a few weeks ago he indicated that he NEEDED to hear how much I love and appreciate him...(GOOD for him for telling me that!)...keeping them all sort of on the radar screen keeps me aware of the "balance" needed.

I guess I'd say the following about each of them

1. QT -- the hardest part for me is knowing what h considers "QT" -- I know that hiking, exercising together, movies, dinner, walking, going to ball games all COUNT. I know that he also likes quiet times at home -- cooking together (sort of a new one!), watching TV..TBH, though, I can only watch SO MUCH TV (I think that h has a much higher tolerance for it than I do) so I'd like to be reading while we're together -- I'm sure it sounds absurd but I don't know if that "counts" to him as QT...ok, maybe I do...I've asked and he says he loves it when I read on the couch with him...

2. AOS -- as you've seen...this is the one I struggle with the most... I tend to discount the small things and focus too much on the "biggies" -- I've gotten a lot better about doing stuff for h but I still worry about the house stuff (clutter, etc)

3. WOA -- I think I tend to be too flowery in my comments to h...I also think that I could focus on APPRECIATION more than just compliments, ya know? But it's a surprise to me to hear from him that he needs to HEAR from me ( )

4. PT -- I think this is more mine than his...I'm noting it every day because I need to remind myself that even though I'm not necessarily getting as often as I'd want...I DO get lots of physical touch from h...noting it to appreciate it

5. Gifts -- I don't THINK that h is much of a gifts guys so I haven't focused on this...but I do bring him something from the store (gum, whatever) when I go

6. Showing an interest -- I added this LL because my showing an honest interest in his interests has really had a positive effect...this is a combo of QT and AOS

7. Peace and quiet -- another LL I conjured up -- it may actually be the biggest one for h because I know that when I appear uncalm, agitated, aka "making crazy" it makes HIM crazy.

So all the above probably sounds even nuttier than trying to monitor the LLs daily...Lots of the stuff I'm noting is stuff I'm doing as a natural course of events...but I like to write it down because it reminds me.

Oh, you know what? as I was writing the above I realized that letting h do stuff for ME is an important one too...IOW, I can't be the LL hog in the M because that just leaves the balance horribly tipped!

I guess I DO know this...regardless of whether I'm focusing on 1, 5 or 7...what REALLY works for me is turning my focus outward ("what am I giving") as opposed to inward ("what am I GETTING"). Focusing on meeting h's needs just WORKS and also succeeds in getting my needs met.

I'm all over the map today...

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.