I just finished reading a book called "The Zen of Listening" by Rebecca Shafir. I can't recall how I came to read the book so if someone on the BB recommended it -- a hearty thank you!
The basic premise is that meditation and mindfulness can enhance your listening skills and transform relationships. My "listening" is an area that I've worked on over the last few years but continues to be an "area of growth" as I like to think of it.
Here are some thoughts from the book
1. "If every time we met with someone and gave them our full and complete attention for four minutes come hell or high water, it could change our lives" -- Leonard and Natalie Zunin "The first four minutes"
I'm trying to apply this simple concept -- one thing I've noticed about myself is that when people approach me to chat I often put up a wall or defense -- mostly around "I only have X minutes" -- what I'm realizing is that letting people get their "intention" out really sets a positive stage for the conversation and if I have to defer it, they are more likely to be accepting of that because they already feel "heard"
2. (I found through the book that I am a "sometimes" listener) "Chances are your ability to concentrate may be at fault and/or you are a highly critical individual and quick to judge whether a listening opportunity is worthwhile. However, there have been times when you have experienced the satisfaction of being fully absorbed in what someone has to say. Imagine how successful and effective you could be if you would let yourself experience that sense of total absorption in every listening opportunity: (page 33)
3. "we find it difficult to separate observation of a situation, person or thing from an evaluation....our tendencies to observe and JUDGE at the same time can be called 'life-alienating communication'" (page 50)
4. "Some of us are uncomfortable with the idea of putting aside our egos to really listen and experience another's perspective. it may make us vulnerable to step out of the role we have learned to play...or perhaps we fear losing out objectivity." (page 55)
5. The author recommends approaching conversations as you would watch a movie...forgetting yourself for a while and immersing yourself in the "story". "Applying the movie mindset when listening opportunities arise teaches us to be sensitive to the speaker's needs and feelings." (page 87) "By forgetting about yourself for a few minutes, you glimpse how your speaker feels about his situation." (page 88)
6. "the speaker's views may shock, embarrass, aggravate or hurt you buy you have been truthful with your self in accepting the existence of another's reality. As a mindful listener, you strive to relate to the needs - positive or negative -- of the speaker." (page 88)
7. "..when you encounter a situation in which you need to listen well, ask yourself, 'what's his movie? What's her reality? How does he see things right now?' This gives you a window into that person's world and a chance to give your own agenda a rest....Our powerful self-interests set limits on what we permit ourselves to experience. Why not turn those self interests into an interested self?" (page 89-90)
8. "silence is one of the most powerful response modes, but -- regrettably -- the least practiced. (It is important to note here the distinction between attentive silence and silence born of anger, boredom or lack of interest...This kind of silence can be destructive to any relationship.) If you can remain silent, keeping eye contact with the person who has just spoken, you hold the key to the treasury of information to come." (page 129) -- I cannot reinforce this statement strongly enough! Learning how to slow down and be quiet really, really has allowed me to "hear" other people because I'm finally letting them get a word in edgewise!!!
9. "Negative self-talk, mentioned earlier as a major barrier to listening, is an internal source of anxiety. It creates an inner noise that foils our attempts to listen effectively. We overreact to these thoughts, real or imagined, cause our blood pressure to rise and our normal bodily functions -- breathing, digesting and speaking -- to become dysfunctional. Negative self-talk subverts the mind-body balance needed to think clearly and act effectively, particularly in stressful encounters." (pp 184-5)
I could go on
Turns out the author of the book is local to me so I'm going to look into a workshop.
Sage- I am loving your thread and postings! So positive and solution focused! You are an inspiration.
Thank you for this summary on listening. I have been realizing even before I read this, that I tend to be a bit self-focused (like to get praise but am stingy with offering it, in the past I probably did nice things so that I would be recognized rather than just the joy of doing them, etc). I think that the listening problems that you listed are part of that. I am also going to save your latest post so that I can formulate some goals for myself.
This crazy MLC of my H has definitely been eye opening. I am not blaming myself for his actions but am recognizing how my behavior didn't help. I want to be a better partner as much as I want him to as well. Now I just need to wait for him to realize this kind of stuff as well.
If you get a chance, can you pop over to MLC and check out my latest posts?
I, too, have embarked on a mission to learn to listen and to practice what I learn in every aspect of my life.
I am currently reading a book recommended on your KLA thread, "The Lost Art of Listening". I am doing a lot of head-nodding as I read it.
I am now practicing to "suspend the self" when listening to others. I am doing this by: not rehearsing what I will say next, by not qualifying what I hear, by not offering advice when it's not asked of me and by not giving examples of how the same thing has happened to me.
I find the latter a bit harder since I always thought that was part of empathizing with the speaker.
As you say, it's an "area of growth" and I'm certainly a work in progress.
Hey everyone! I'm so glad that you found the posting helpful. (whats_next...I will definitely try to stop by over the next day or so -- hellish day today!)
It's funny (NOT) that the "ink was barely dry" on my post before I found myself in a conversation where the first thing I said was "I only have a few minutes" It was a conversation that I did NOT want to have (with that guy who is so awful to me occasionally -- he needs SO MUCH face time with me -- and so much of it is unpleasant -- that I loathe talking with him). Anyway, I caught myself and spent the rest of the conversation really trying to stay present and getting into his "movie".
Had a good night with h. He sent me an email saying that he had had a terrible day, that he needed a hug AND a drink and would I meet him. Of course I said YES. I think that the full force of the second year of law school hit him like a ton of bricks yesterday -- coursework, the law review, recruiting and he volunteered to help out with a mock trial -- so much going on = high stress!
As for h's LL, I think I did well...
QT: meeting him on the spur of the moment, sharing good food and drink, talking about school, etc.
AOS: Hmmm...picking him up seemed to be a positive for him. Did the dishwasher yesterday, too. I noticed two MAJOR areas of clutter this AM at home so I'm going to tackle those this weekend.
WOA: Thanked him for some things he had done...I also think that I was positive and affirming during the conversation we had last night
PI: Well...this is a funny one we had actually had "plans" for a romantic (wink, wink) evening and I alluded to it in an email...BUT...h was clearly SO STRESSED that it just wasn't a good time...he let me know over dinner how much he enjoys being with me, finds me sexy, etc...offering ressurance to me (which I love!)...SO...in some ways I think I met his PI needs by NOT meeting them, ya know?
h sent me an email this AM thanking me for being so supportive ... I responded with appreciation for him letting me know that...I DO really appreciate it because I need feedback on what's good/what's not so good in the "comfort" department.
I've got meetings ALL day so I probably won't be back much today Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I love the towel drying! S. does that for me occasionally, too.
You're hot to trot over here!
Quote: "I want to know that given the same set of circumstances, s/he would make a different choice and not go down the same road"
Yeah, hmm. I think this is my biggest fear. How do we know they're not going to do it again? We have to be as happy as we can be in our Rs and not let them get to the point where the grass is greener. You and Eyes are doing a great job with that... I still have a lot of work to do.
Hey Jennifer, thanks for the visit and the kind words!
*********** So...have to admit that the Selfish Sage persona visited last night NOT to the point of crazymaking or even making a blip issue...but just feeling a bit bummed. I know, know, know that it was because I was full of expectation about how h "should" act or what he "should" do.
Selfish Sage came home from work and was thinking about how fun it would be to go to a movie before the Sox game was on or maybe even get a bit, well, ahem, you know H seemed semi-sleepy when I arrived -- my greeting from him was awesome as always...he was watching the yankees game, said he was looking forward to a quiet evening at home, etc. suggested that we pull out the sofa to form a bed and hang out and watch TV.
So...Selfish Sage who has this awesome, loving guy who wants to hang out with her and snuggle and watch the Sox was just kind of whiny inside...felt disappointed...was hoping that h would have been eager to DO something together (either going out or staying in )-- ugh, I annoy even myself.
Did OK acting "as if" I think and hung out on the couch beating myself up inside for feeling like I "wanted to be wanted" (and wasn't).
The worst part is that I KNOW h has been feeling tired, feeling stressed out, feeling like he might be fighting off a cold and I still "wanted to be wanted".
What was this need in me for some "grand gesture" that I was WANTED by him? Is it as simple as LLs? I've been focused on his and at least one of mine has been on the backburner? Or what? I have to admit that at one point I was thinking "he THINKS he wants to hang out at home and watch TV but at somepoint he'll look back on these years and think 'why wasn't I out partying with some hot babe having an awesome time and '" -- which is totally stupid because I KNOW h relishes peace, quiet, comfort and nights hanging out with me at home.
Feeling like a doofus!
How'd I do with his LLs?
WOA: Not sure...praised his school stuff...nothing house or errand related
AOS: Cleaned up the kitchen a bit, did litter boxes and vacuumed the room this AM
QT: Yah, definitely have THAT one covered
PI -- snuggling and coziness
But I feel like a jerk because i was internally stomping around acting like a big baby.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - Phew - I know you don't want to hear this, but I am glad you have what I term non-dbing-normal-days - woman, your patience was worrying me I think we all feel this way, and I know I used to fret that I did not have what it took to be a good 'life partner' - but the way you framed it - a visit by our more self-oriented personas - well, that makes sense, no? Perhaps we should even carve out 'self' days, when we are more self-indulgent?
I know I sometimes wonder when NG is going to give back all this support ... Sage, you are such a flag bearer here, I'd hate to see you get down on account of something that seems perfectly normal. You know you'll be back up there in a couple of days...
You have worked so hard at meeting your H's LL, changing things about yourself, etc.....it's only NORMAL that you would want to have YOUR ll met.
I realize that we dont' meet other's ll in order for them to meet ours but the reality is that we have feelings too, we wanted to feel wanted/needed/loved/appreciated as much as others do.
Quote: But I feel like a jerk because i was internally stomping around acting like a big baby.
Boy do I know the feeling! BUT....dont' beat yourself up for it. You're human after all.
H seemed semi-sleepy when I arrived -- my greeting from him was awesome as always...he was watching the yankees game, said he was looking forward to a quiet evening at home, etc. suggested that we pull out the sofa to form a bed and hang out and watch TV.
I think we all feel this way, and I know I used to fret that I did not have what it took to be a good 'life partner' - but the way you framed it - a visit by our more self-oriented personas - well, that makes sense, no? Perhaps we should even carve out 'self' days, when we are more self-indulgent?