If I had to sum it up I would say that I want to hear from my h that he "GETS IT", where "it" actually encompasses a great deal. I want to hear that he's thought about what he was feeling prior to the pivot point of embarking upon the A (and I recognize that perhaps that reflects a logic and reasonableness that doesn't exist at that time) SO I also want to hear what he understands about himself and his feelings around the time that he was lying to my face about his involvement with OW.
YES, YES, & YES...
I am still not "there" yet in my healing or forgiveness or security because of this very same issue.
I've said before that the A itself (which we did talk about in great detail when he finally fessed up to it all in spring of '03)...is not my biggest stumbling block now.
I don't ask about her, I don't need to know any more.
What still tears me up is HOW CJ could have treated me like that...I mean some men cheat and treat their wives WELL at that time...he treatd me like sh!t, dragged me through the mire, left me in limbo for nearly a year, let me believe it was ALL my fault, LIED and LIED and LIED to my face.
What did he tell himself to make all those lies and actions okay?: buying her a ring, sending her money from our joint savings (all of which was my paycheck money) taking her to 5 star hotels in distant cities, leaving his cell off so I wouldn't disturb them, taking 2 hours to rent a movie and then accusing me of being his parole officer when I commented
And also like Sage...when was the line crossed? When did she (and the one before her) go from "chat line buddy" to a "romantic interest" and then to a "soul mate"?
He SAYS this will never happen again...but didn't he vow to "love honour and cherish me...holding only unto me" 12 years ago? He went back on those fervent promises didn't he?
So like Sage, it's a sense of understanding I'm hoping for, so I can "get" why he did that stuff (and perhaps apologize for THAT vs just the infidelities). And more importantly NOT let things build up inside of him to the point where he's that vulnerable again.
As is it seems like those were actions of someone who despised me, who cared not at all, who wanted to inflict intentional hurt.
Was it payback for my years of controlling? My temper? My perfectionism? I've agonized over all of that, I've analysed it, I've CHANGED it, I've apologized from my heart again and again for it. And I've spoken to him about this entire journey of mine. He knows that I GET it regarding what I (with little conscious awareness) did to him.
Yes, my thoughtlessness has hurt him a great deal in the past...but he set out to hurt me, I dare say he RELISHED it for a time. I can't quite get over that.
We're so alike in some ways Sage, it's good to have others here with a different take!
But how does one heal THIS kind of specific thing by looking at the here and now? I know a present focus is what we're doing with the love life problem...I will NOT bring up the A or OW, even when it comes to my mind...I know it's just counter-productive.
