The love you initiate...

[sage]

I have a question for both you & Jennifer - Have you figured out WHY you still want to talk about the A.?

What will talking about the A. bring (or give) you and the relationship that is missing in the current new R.?

H2H -- You've asked an interesting series of questions...and I spent much of last night and this AM thinking about my answer. I think it would be best served by sort of a brainstorming/journalling approach followed up with some analysis on my part...not sure how far I'll get on this today but let's get started

If I had to sum it up I would say that I want to hear from my h that he "GETS IT", where "it" actually encompasses a great deal. I want to hear that he's thought about what he was feeling prior to the pivot point of embarking upon the A (and I recognize that perhaps that reflects a logic and reasonableness that doesn't exist at that time) SO I also want to hear what he understands about himself and his feelings around the time that he was lying to my face about his involvement with OW.

IOW, I'd LOVE to have him say "moments before I crossed the line I felt X, Y and Z" but recognizing that that may not be possible I'd like to hear "In the 6 months OF the EA, I felt X, Y and Z during the conversations where you brought up your fears and I lied to you".

I'd like to hear that he understands it was a slippery slope (given that OW was a "friend" before EA) and that he thinks he could recognize the warning signs.

I'd like to hear that he understands now how he was feeling either about his life in general or our M or a combination and that he now knows he could choose other forms of "pain relief" and/or other ways of articulating his worries/pain/despair to me.

I guess my point is this...I'd like to know from my h that if he finds himself in a situation where he FEELS a particular way that he realizes there are other ways to react. And also that he realizes that his FEELINGS don't necessarily represent the absolute truth of a situation and may need to be investigated further.

For example...let's suppose that h feels some disatisfaction in certain areas of our M, and that he also feels some disatisfaction in certain areas of his life in general and he feels say, ANGER or FEAR or WORRY or WHATEVER....and he finds that he feels better when he's with OW so he focuses on that...and he starts to compare OW with me and becomes convinced that I am one way, unchangeable, and that we must be doomed.

OR, does he GET that yah, I bring something to the table and so does he and that our M, his life is gonna take on a particular tone when looked at through the glamour/excitement of OW and the A and that perhaps bringing HOME some of that enthusiasm and sharing might have helped US?

There are times when I think that my h is still very much "either/or" -- or "black/white" about our M - that he clings to some of the beliefs/myths that Michele lays out -- that if he doesn't feel LOVE then we're doomed, that conflict = disaster, that if it feels like work sometimes then it must not be true love, etc.

As I'm writing this, though, I'm reminded that with the exception of the A, my h's approach to life, problem solving, our M while totally different than mine, is perfectly valid and oftentimes MUCH more workable/productive/etc than mine and that once I GET that and embrace it we're fine.

Am I making any sense? I want to hear that h has held up what happened and thought about "how did I get there? how did we get there? and how can we be sure it never happens again?"

And...I know it hurts like hell to take a close look at the times when you've screwed up and hurt other people and made crappy choices and reacted out of fear -- I know this because I've spent A LOT of the last two years poking at my own behavior and wounds and sometimes it just sucks...but I honestly believe it minimizes the chances of my behaving those ways again...and I'd selfishly (!!!!!) like to hear that my h gets that too.

I KNOW this is selfish and focusing on HIM and unforgiving in some ways and maybe even a bit unfair...

You asked if there were other ways to frame the question/conversation ...I guess I'd say that I want some confidence that we can navigate difficult situations in our M, that we can articulate issues/pain/worries/fears without involving other people or feeling like D is the answer. And maybe I have that already...or I'm on my way there and it's enough to just focus on that. No doubt.

Sage