The love you initiate...

[sage]

Jennifer --

S. recently told me (even as he's made an effort to be open about remaining contact with OW) that he DOESN'T want to talk about it, but is, because it makes me feel better.

I think this is such a positive for you!

I think that part of the reason I get hung up is that I think h should (that bad word!) be willing to talk to me even if he doesn't FEEL like it -- and I also think sometimes that I cling to this because he won't but if he DID then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to talk.

Yikes. what a confusing sentence.

But what is better? It always seems to make me feel worse. It brings up all kinds of old bad feelings, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of his choosing her over me (or at least HIM over US), feelings of jealousy, etc. Do you feel this way when you talk to your H, too?

Well...like I said, we don't actually talk about it...I think I feel this way when we don't! I'm perfectly capable of making myself feel like crud all on my own at times

It's interesting, though, that the discussions don't seem to be helping you feel better...maybe it's time to consider letting go of them?

also, in my sitch, I know who the ow was -- knew her quite well, in fact -- don't know if that's true for you or not -- so there isn't mystery around HER or what she's like, etc. Don't need those details!

I WANT to talk about it, but I wonder if it's just because it makes me feel "better" to be "right."

This may well be worth more thought for you...I know for myself that when I get mired in dwelling in the past and THEN break out of it, I have a bad feeling -- that I've been still wanting my h to PAY for it, or even trying to make HIM feel badly by staying stuck.

The other thing being mired in the past "helps" in is keeping me from facing my own contributions to our m problems -- not just then but NOW -- IOW, I can get stuck in "well, of course I feel unsure about this because of his A" when in fact, it's 10 other things w/in my control.

Sage