I haven't been on the bb in a very long time (since at least april) Soooooooo much has happened to my sitch and so quickly that I basically got lost (emotionally)....Big developement 3 weeks ago brought me to my knees (literally)....after talking with Undie(Betsey), I realized that as much as this bb can be a crutch it can also be redemption.....I needed to look back and move forward all at the same time.....
You know how it goes...God seems to bring you to where you need to be and if you pay attention the messages are there for you. Well this post was that for me.
I HAD to let you know that.
I've been walking around for a week wandering between what am I going to do? and What am I suppose to do? What does this mean? and a billion other questions....all of which you have probably asked yourself......
Like you said, "I wish someone would just email me with it instead of having to be hit over the head" but that would just be too easy now wouldn't it!! And then we wouldn't really internalize the lessons that we are suppose to learn...
Yesterday I made the decision that this is the end...this is just not what I should be putting up with and as much as I felt God's hand on my shoulder seeing me through, after my H got home and AGAIN was cold and distant and seemingly sniping at me....I figured I can't do this anymore..... It didn't make sense to be soooo miserable.
"He is just looking for a way out" I said to myself...
After a rather fitfull night (he won't touch me or kiss me goodnight(our ritual) and an uncomfortable awakening this morning again (no kiss or hug( our sign that we are okay)he just says; Here feel this...his you know what, and then "I got get out of this bed I have to pee, move your carcus")!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt hopeless, to see where this was going....
When is he going to stop punishing me for HIS infidelity, when is he goiong to stop making it MY fault that this has happened....... I found your post...........
"I'm not the only one who needs to heal, who is afraid of loss, who wonders if the other truely loves, who regrets the mistakes and wonders if he can forgive himself......who can't understand how I could still love him?"
