Quote: Your optimism can create the stage for a significant turning point in a relationship now, as you face issues that were hidden from your view. Your key planet Mercury is asking you to balance your thoughts with those around you. Trust your good feelings. Act on them. The love you initiate can take your mind off the more serious stuff and help you rebuild your enthusiasm for life.
The last few days have been an eye opener for me (couldn't someone just slip me a note or send me an email with these messages instead of bonking me over the head with them?)...informing me that I am NOT the only one in my M who yearns to heal, who is afraid of loss, who wonders if the other truly loves or chooses "me", who needs to hear "you are doing a good job", who regrets the mistakes and wonders how to forgive "myself", who pushes away in order to reach out sometimes, who feels spent, who seeks pain relief, who is confused, who wants but fears the wanting.
I think the "complexity" of the "grayness" is actually quite simple. We both want to be loved and to love and we worry about our ability to do that.
Got some catching up to do with work but will be back..
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
****************** Some thoughts from our fight...use these to help refine goals/areas to focus...
1. h believes that I will never trust him again ("I KNOW you. You will NEVER trust me again")
2. h believes that I have forgiven him but that I haven't forgotten and that the A is in the forefront of my mind
3. h says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself
4. h says that my desire to talk about the A is counter to his desire NOT to talk about it. He said that I ASSume that I will gain more HEALING than he will "lose" in the discussion.
5. h wanted to hear the reasons why I still wanted to be M to him...this actually seemed like a very big part of the conversation
6. h said he thinks I've defaulted to the "devil" I "know" (doesn't feel CHOSEN)
7. h said that he could imagine us ever apart -- that I am part of his DNA
8. H asked to hear praise for how hard he's been working -- to hear appreciation for the good stuff that he's been doing for our M (WOA?? My h? )
9. h was definitely struggling with physical pain and his actions were definitely clouded by that
10. h doesn't want to "pay" for this for the rest of his life
11. Part of "trust" to h means not only that I believe in his fidelity but also that I "trust" him as he is ("unconditional love")
12. h said that his fear was that he'd go merrily along only to hit "landmines" because of something he said or did that triggered the A in my mind. It seems like the unpredictability is a BIG factor for him (would it help to be more clear with him about what my triggers are?). He used the word "LANDMINE" quite a bit
More as I think of 'em
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: The last few days have been an eye opener for me (couldn't someone just slip me a note or send me an email with these messages instead of bonking me over the head with them?)...informing me that I am NOT the only one in my M who yearns to heal, who is afraid of loss, who wonders if the other truly loves or chooses "me", who needs to hear "you are doing a good job", who regrets the mistakes and wonders how to forgive "myself", who pushes away in order to reach out sometimes, who feels spent, who seeks pain relief, who is confused, who wants but fears the wanting.
Wow sage, I really like how you put this. Helps very much to reframe my view of what is happening with my W.
I think that it is especially true in the "who wonders if the other truly loves or chooses "me"" - I know my W has felt for quite a while that I did not love her, and it is almost impossible for her to accept now. She most likely belives that I am just hanging on out of fear, and will quickly return to where I was before if we were reunited. Why risk that when she has OM who obviously wants to be with her every moment of the day?
So to combat this, we all have to remember - real changes, for self first, and consistency. Make our changes part of who we are, not things we are doing.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Welcome to your new digs. I can completely relate to your sitch as I think my H is going through the same struggles as your H. Sometimes I am so focused on how I feel that I forget that he is going through his own struggle. He seems to be struggling with the fear that I may not love him and I may not ever trust him again. He has pointed out to me several times that he does have feelings. Just because he doesn't cry all the time and announce his feelings out loud for the world to hear, they are still there. I keep telling myself to keep that in mind. I also have to remind myself that when he starts fights with me, there is usually some point he is trying to get across to me but he goes about it in a round about way expecting me to pick up on what he really means.
I look forward to following this journey with you. Thank you for your posts to me. They have always given me something to think about.
Hi Sage- I started lurking around over here to read about some people who were making progress after their H's MLC or A. Since you've offered such great advice over on the MLC BB, I wanted to check in on you.
Your post from the other day about the Hotmail really touched me. But then I was glad that you and H got to talk about it. Your list of things that your H fears is very helpful information to have. I am going to save it somewhere as I think that my H has the same fears but can't talk about them yet.
I also worry that even after we are talking and consider ourselves "reconciled" that there will be little things like that that get me off track or make me suspicious. I guess that it is only with time and eventually- communication- that we will get through this.
Keep up the good work! You are an inspiration for me.
Wow! I'm overwhelmed by the visits I'm getting -- both from old friends and new ones, too. It's gonna be a busy day for me but I'm hoping to catch up on people's threads this afternoon.
Like another whack to the head this morning I realized how accusatory my interaction with h was this weekend. Ugh. I bemoan how he won't "help" me heal but I neglect the fact that I don't ASK him or even articulate to him ways that he could help...instead I sit on stuff and then accuse him. BLECH.
Had a great night last night...I met him after school and we went out to dinner. We were supposed to go to a movie after that but we were both tired so we decided to bag it. He had planned this date as a surprise so I think he was concerned that I would be bummed (the movie was a re-release of "The Shawshank Redemption" which is one of my top 5 movies) but I think (hope) that I showed him that his comfort and well-being was more important than a movie ANYDAY!!!
He made a wonderful toast to me
I realized that I had been so super "self-focused" last week...I think that was really a precipitator of the blow-up...I was wandering around feeling neglected and (as a result) feeling judgemental instead of focusing on expressing love. Note to self: it ALWAYS works better in my M to express rather than focus on receiving...and the beauty is that I receive as an end result ANYWAY!
I'd like to take a page from MF's book and make a concerted effort to speak h's LL every day...problem is, what is it?
I think (in priority order) it's:
-- quality time -- acts of service -- words of affirmation -- physical touch -- gifts
but I also think that "showing an interest" and "peace and quiet" are two important LL's to him as well. I think I'd be well-served by showing a bit of each --with the possible exception of GIFTS.
MY LL? I think the order is:
-- Words of Affirmation -- Physical touch -- Quality time -- Acts of service -- Gifts
So...today I: -- spent time with h working on our "sports scoreboard" -- sent him a loving e-mail
Gotta think up an AOS
........
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
