You're not sounding defeatist, suprdave, just realistic. The more I thought about W's statement that I will never be happy, the more I realized that it's wrong. I could very easily be happiER if we had some frequency, and some more non-sexual physical intimacy, and I think she would be happier, too.
What I think that statement was, was projection. She's the one that, in her present state of mind, doesn't think she'll ever be "happy." And, to her, it seems like "happy" is a goal to be reached (or NOT reached). I tend to think of it as a process...becoming happier. I think she has some serious self-esteem problems right now, and can't really imagine why I would stick around, much less love her. So she's setting this (fictional) impending divorce up as being MY fault, because, no matter how hard she tries, I won't ever be happy with the marriage or with her.
I can't convince her of her wrong-mindedness on this issue. She won't listen to me because I am an interested party, and, unfortunately, her adversary it seems. I gave her the number of a therapist. It's up to her to seek her way out. I can help to some extent, but I can't force her to go.
Last weekend, she and I played Pente, a board game. She was just learning, but refused to take any help I offered. She won the first game. I then proceeded to win all but one of the next 15 games. After the final win, she upended the board, sending these small glass beads flying. She then went upstairs to bed. I didn't follow until about an hour later, after she had gone to sleep.
The game presents its own microcosm of our world. It's one of the things that I am clearly better at than her. She can't stand this, and is faced, time and time again with her own failure. She can't stand that, yet refuses any guidance on the matter.
