Quote: . I also think and express myself in analogies, and one time when I was tossing them out left and right, my bf accused me of "dumbing down" my conversation by using analogies
My H doesn't like my use of analogies in convos either because he feels like I'm turning him or whatever I'm talking about into an abstraction. I can see his point, but I can't help it, my brain works by theory or analogy. When I studied math, I was a whiz at theory and a dunce at practical application. I would say the #1 problem with our relationship, beyond the sexual is the fact that my H doesn't like or appreciate the way my brain works( he doesn't even think I'm funny much of the time). He is jealous of my intelligence in much the same way he is jealous of my sex drive. This is what he has told me.
I sometimes think the simplest explanation for the LDH phenomenon is that their HDWs intimidate them to the point of impotence. In my sich, I don't think there is much I can do about this because the things about me that intimidate my H, my sex drive and my intelligence, are things that I can't change and wouldn't if I could.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OMG. I can't write much because my W is upstairs, but a couple things: 1. Thanks, HP! Great insight. 2. Thanks, Mojo! How did you know I LOVE cookies, and that my name is Harry? Doh. 3.Thanks Corri, for rounding out the cookie analogy.
Mo... I never talked in analogies until I "met" you and others here, and I have to say it's had a positive effect on my marriage. I always thought I spoke in a clear way, but my H said half the time he has no idea what I am talking about,lol. He really relates to the analogy-speak, nods along and adds to it. He's big on home improvement projects, so I ty to think of analogies with that theme in mind. It doesn't come so naturally to me, but I am getting better.
Quote: I would say the #1 problem with our relationship, beyond the sexual is the fact that my H doesn't like or appreciate the way my brain works( he doesn't even think I'm funny much of the time). He is jealous of my intelligence in much the same way he is jealous of my sex drive. This is what he has told me.
I sometimes think the simplest explanation for the LDH phenomenon is that their HDWs intimidate them to the point of impotence
This is very insightful. He flunked out of college 25 years ago because of too much drinking and drugging. He was on a voice scholarship-- his singing voice is stunning, plus he has that "star" quality to go along with it. He blew it big time.
His ex is younger and also did not graduate. I think his other post-D gfs were younger. I'm a year and a half older and have an M.A. I personally don't think finishing college is a measure of ANYTHING except your ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you finish (and paying for it-- I also had a scholarship, but back then the cost was 1/100th what it is now).
One does wonder, karmically, why he attracted me... and vice versa.
The impotence situation isn't helped by the fact that he is out of work (with the financial and ego implications of that), he knows I'm sexually more experienced (not in detail, but he knows I was married twice and had a live-in... there's more, but in that zone I believe in "don't ask, don't tell"). He DOESN'T know about the guy with whom I had the wonderful chemistry and sex all those years. He knows ABOUT him and knows that he's deceased, but that's all.
He has encyclopedic knowledge of many topics and is very smart. He has a very orderly and scientific way or approaching things that contrasts and complements my more "take no prisoners!" approach. If he had learned to love school, he could have been a brilliant scientist or something. He wanted to be a marine biologist.
My intelligence and book-learnin' do put him off. PLUS we're both very competitive. The other day we were coming out of choir, and he was telling me how to pronounce a Latin word in singing. I pointed out that I grew up with Latin when I was a Catholic kid (they switched to English when I was in high school) AND that I took four years of Latin in high school (kids studied Latin even in public school back then, in between dodging dinosaurs-- and priests (okay, very bad, tasteless joke)). He tried to trump me by saying, "Yes, but I've been SINGING in Latin since I was seven." I gotta say that his diction when singing is absolutely impeccable.
Yeah, I guess I might just scare the pants ON him.
Fortunately, he does appreciate my wit (if not my analogies) and we laugh a lot. He's also witty and we really crack each other up. Our relationship has a very playful quality that I wish we could transfer to the bedroom.
Mojo said:
Quote: he feels like I'm turning him or whatever I'm talking about into an abstraction
IMHO an analogy does the opposite-- turns an abstraction into something you can relate to in the concrete world. Maybe he feels that as the world becomes more concrete, he becomes more of an abstraction.
Quote: Harry eventually learns that his mom isn't going to make the cookies on a regular basis, so he learns to like carrots, which mom has plenty of, can be eaten raw, and aren't so bad really.
LOL. Good in theory, but I've yet to encounter a happy HD carrot eater on this BB. The closest would be CelibateDad but he has to take anti-depressants and is still only reaching the level of almost content.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I think you are dead wrong when you say it has nothing whatsoever to do with the family next door.
I has everything to do with the family next door if getting cookies is the only issue. It has NOTHING to do with the family next door if having cookies with his mother is the issue.
And I do have to say that putting a parental figure into the mix is making this just a tad bit too Freudian for me. If it's Harry and his wife Lisa, this is a whole other ball game. But Harry and his mother... yeesh, the symbolism alone could have us analyzing for months.
Quote: I has everything to do with the family next door if getting cookies is the only issue. It has NOTHING to do with the family next door if having cookies with his mother is the issue.
I agree, but if Harry is fully "differentiated" and beyond being emotionally-fused over the cookie issue with his mother, shouldn't he be able to acknowledge and accept his HD for cookies as something essential to his nature. If it has nothing to do with the neighbors, why is the example about the bar given in PM? The clear analogy to this would be Harry telling his mother "Fine. If you won't bake me any cookies, I'll go next door and see if I might get some there.". Of course, this analogy breaks down for all the Freudian reasons you mentioned and also because most LD spouses would be more upset about their spouses going to a bar looking for a potential sexual partner than a mother would be about a kid scrounging for cookies next door.
IMO the bar example in PM is maybe the piece of the puzzle that is missing in your sich (I will readily admit that there are puzzle pieces missing in my sich too). You want your H to acknowledge your need for EC in order to have desire for sex, but are you willing to acknowledge that sex is an important component of EC, not just for your H but for you too. If it weren't, why would you care if your H approached a stranger at a bar and said "Why don't we go upstairs for a quickie?" as long as he didn't tell the stranger "I want to feel close to you.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can see where what we are asking of our very LD wives would look to be impossible. I personally would like my wife to return to the way she was early in our marriage. But, honestly, that would probably take a miracle. Apparently, to find a soultion means that the HD must lower their needs to unbelieveable low levels, and even then, the LD must work like h#ll to meet those.
Think about it, the very LD women does not experience "Desire" at all. And then the HD comes along and says they must have "Desire" to save the marriage. That is darn near impossible, is it not?
MrsNop.: I want to thank you for sharing, gently, with me your thoughts about my sitch. You're right...I probably don't fully understand all that my W went through, and is going through, to move here. I hear all the good things that happen to her each day, and think, "oh, she's making the transition so easily, just as I expected she would." What's missing is the status she used to hold, the friends and acquaintances she had, the familiarity and love for the old house and city she lived in, and, probably, the distance from my ex, and to some extent, from my kids. She is, at heart, a person who loves solitude. I need to be more open to the difficulties she has faced, and stop minimizing them.
Thanks for your post, and others, for helping me understand that.
