The Mind of Ms. H-Dog

[MJontheMend]

What we want from each other can often be so nebulous to our spouse. Even when we get specific: "I need more sex" often DOES become "I need you to want me." "I need you to desire me and make love to me" can move on to "I would really like us to do XXX tonight when we make love, now that we're making love and you want me."

In some odd way I think the LD spouse contributes a lot to this predicament. For instance, if my H had approached me for sex every two weeks on a regular basis, I never would have considered myself to be in a SSM, even though my preference would be for around 3x a week. IMO the upward spiraling expectations of the HD spouse are a direct result of the fact that their LD spouse has informed them or led them to believe that they really don't need sex at all. Based on this information, there is no way for the HD partner to determine what might be a reasonable sexual equilibrium.

Here's the analogy. There are two boys Harry and Hank. They both really like cookies. Every night before bed Hank and his Mom sit together and have 2 cookies for dessert. They both enjoy cookies and each others company. Hank learns to expect and accept 2 cookies as what he needs to satisfy his sweet tooth.

Next door, Harry's Mom doesn't really like to bake because she doesn't have a sweet tooth and she certainly isn't motivated to bake for Harry when he misbehaves. Harry alternates between being a very good boy in order to get cookies or throwing tantrums to get cookies. He eventually starts to think of cookies as both tokens of his Mother's love and a reward he earns for asserting his ego strength. He feels neglected when he looks into his neighbor's window and sees Hank and his Mom enjoying a snack together. He tells himself he must be a very bad boy and begins to cry, but some little rational voice within him tells him that he deserves cookies as much as the next kid. Hank is just as naughty as him. Why does he get cookies?

Harry's mother isn't happy about the situation either. Harry's behavior is erratic. He is either far too clingy for a boy his age or he is throwing a tantrum and calling her a terrible mother or he is spending all his time at Hank's house. When she looked out her kitchen window, she saw Harry smiling such a sweet smile at Hank's mother as she handed him a cookie.

Finally, Harry's mother decides that the battles over the cookies need to end. She buys a copy of "The Joy of Cookies" at her local bookstore and sets out to become the best baker she can be. Harry is so happy. Finally he is getting some cookies! The first week Harry's mom gives him cookies for dessert on 2 nights. This seems reasonable to her. Harry being a smart boy understands that his mom is only baking to please him so he figures he might as well go for the gold and get all the cookies he can, so he tells his mom that he would like to have 6 cookies every night. Now that he has a willing baker, Harry feels free to happily dream all the cookie fantasies that only made him sad before, so he browses through cookbooks and shows his mom pictures of all the cookies that look especially delicious to him.

Harry's mother feels oppressed. She is spending far more time baking than she would like and she's annoyed with the fact that as soon as she masters chocolate chip, Harry points to a picture of some sort of complicated Danish cookie that requires special equipment to bake. Why can't she have the kind of kid who wants a Mom who plays soccer? She's good at soccer.

Anyone still reading?

My obvious point is that if Harry's mother just keeps baking cookies on a regular basis, eventually Harry's desire for cookies will reach an equilibrium like his friend Hank. Also, there's a very good chance that Harry's mother will only have to bake those complicated Danish cookies a couple times before Harry decides that there is a good reason why most people don't eat those kind of cookies on a regular basis. Once Harry's blood sugar is stabilized by a regular, reasonable diet of cookies, he will generally be in a much better mood and I'm sure Hank will enjoy coming over sometimes to join Harry and his mom for a backyard game of soccer.

P.S.
I have to admit that your post made me think "I wonder what XXX thing Mrs. NOP doesn't want to do.". NOPkins seems to be an especially greedy little gourmet. Danish cookies are probably nothing to him. You're probably going to have to go to a rare book dealer to buy cookbooks in order to find recipes for the kind of cookies he's looking for.