Would it help give you another viewpoint if I told you that I could hear *me* just a few month's ago in your wife's response? Please know that I recognize you are dealing with some variations - I didn't physically remove NOP's hand, but I wasn't very receptive to his hugs, there were no threats to make false allegations or call 911, but I did pitch a fit or two, threaten to leave and chunk a plate.
BUT, I could have written something very similar to this email just exchanging my issues for your wife's.
May I gently share with you?
She has referenced her problems adjusting to this move several times (I'm guessing it has come up even more) based on your mentioning them here.
I see it as a big red blinking light.
I wondered whether this was an issue or a convenient excuse for her to hide behind. You've probably have considered both possibilities, as well.
It is my understanding that your wife is an attorney. I would hazard a guess that a great deal of her sense of self was tied up in her profession and that within that profession she had made contacts and established various levels of relationships with people and/or organizations in her original locale.
That's gone. And I would also guess that the transition has not been as smooth nor the establishment of new professional and/or personal relationships as rewarding. Perhaps she's feeling displaced professionally and being a second wife and step-mom probably adds even more to her sense that she has lost her self and is being melded into something "else".
I am not saying that a move is a good or acceptable reason for pushing your spouse away or refusing to ML. Because deep-down, it probably isn't the actual move. Whether or not you think the issue is real or whether you think she is using it as an excuse - what can it possibly hurt to do your damnedest to convey to her that you probably *don't* understand how hard it has been for her but that you are so glad she did. Have you asked her if she feels that you haven't appreciated what she has done? Perhaps ask if there are ways you can help make this easier, more comfortable, a kind of "you & me" against "them".
If there have been good things, make note of those. While at the same time noting that there is nothing wrong with attention being given toward relational problems. Would we not think it odd advice to tell a healthy person to not spend time & effort dealing with a single tooth cavity? Saying that your tooth hurts, using a pain killer, going to the dentist, and getting the tooth fixed is NOT a form of ignoring the rest of the healthy body.
What I am trying to convey, is that rather than getting pissed and offended - take it as an attempt to *talk*. Someone has to stop the cycle of each participant running up the battlements and pulling up the drawbridge.
