Quote: I fear our marriage, no matter how good it is, will never be good enough for you, and neither will I.
I believe I said this: This is the key and the problem.
And yes, I do believe if they had a healthy relationship, she would have responded in a different manner. I did not say her response was wrong, I did not say she didn't voice her POV in just the right manner. I was verbalizing my opinion on where I think she is in her thinking only.
Again, the key and the problem.
In figuring out where you want to go, does it not help in figuring out where you are first?
I did not comment on HD sending the email, because it had already gone. However, it did produce some useful information for him if he chooses to see it.
HD said: --------- Choco and Nop: now, play nice. ---------
HD. Working out relationships isn't always nice or fun. fireworks are a side effect, even on public forums.
I hope you are not still trying to place peace keeper in your relationship - wait, I remember something about 911..... you need to get to the food throwing stage soon though :-)
Say what you mean, mean what you say - and learn to duck. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I was playing nice, and then one person tells me to "grow some brass ones," and another says that my view "... will continue the adversarial relationship because Ms HD didn't say her point in just the right way or deal solely with your issues. She actually brought up some of her POV as well" and calls me the martyr.
You know, the smugness of this board just makes me scream sometimes. While "do you want to be right, or do you want to fix the problem?" is certain valid some (I'd even say most) of the time, it is not the ONLY thing that I want to hear, no matter what the point was I brought up.
I have a hurricane I need to prepare for... sorry for the thread hijack, HD -- good luck with the sitch.
This recent exchange of sarcasm, wittiness, and "anger" is difficult to separate from general concern and "helping."
It seems, yet again, that this is another case where it might be better NOT to ask for help... and fight ones own battles in the private arena of husband & wife, where only the 2 people involved truly have opinions that matter. *sigh*
Mojo, I hope you were making a bad joke. Hairdog's email would have been very appropriate on YK even if the marriage was absolutely perfect. The form of asking forgiveness is pretty standard stuff. Lots of Jews who aren't religious any other time of the year do the YK thing.
HD, I thought your email was very classy. If I said that to my significant other and got that response, it would hurt.
Quote: Mojo: I'm a little sensitive here...were you trying to be funny, or were you puttin' the screws to me?
A little of both. I like you HD. You have an authentic and unique point of view and personality and that really comes through in just about everything you post on this BB. It didn't come through in that e-mail and that makes me think that you weren't really risking much in terms of self-revelation by sending it. That e-mail was white bread and you are wry.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Would it help give you another viewpoint if I told you that I could hear *me* just a few month's ago in your wife's response? Please know that I recognize you are dealing with some variations - I didn't physically remove NOP's hand, but I wasn't very receptive to his hugs, there were no threats to make false allegations or call 911, but I did pitch a fit or two, threaten to leave and chunk a plate.
BUT, I could have written something very similar to this email just exchanging my issues for your wife's.
May I gently share with you?
She has referenced her problems adjusting to this move several times (I'm guessing it has come up even more) based on your mentioning them here.
I see it as a big red blinking light.
I wondered whether this was an issue or a convenient excuse for her to hide behind. You've probably have considered both possibilities, as well.
It is my understanding that your wife is an attorney. I would hazard a guess that a great deal of her sense of self was tied up in her profession and that within that profession she had made contacts and established various levels of relationships with people and/or organizations in her original locale.
That's gone. And I would also guess that the transition has not been as smooth nor the establishment of new professional and/or personal relationships as rewarding. Perhaps she's feeling displaced professionally and being a second wife and step-mom probably adds even more to her sense that she has lost her self and is being melded into something "else".
I am not saying that a move is a good or acceptable reason for pushing your spouse away or refusing to ML. Because deep-down, it probably isn't the actual move. Whether or not you think the issue is real or whether you think she is using it as an excuse - what can it possibly hurt to do your damnedest to convey to her that you probably *don't* understand how hard it has been for her but that you are so glad she did. Have you asked her if she feels that you haven't appreciated what she has done? Perhaps ask if there are ways you can help make this easier, more comfortable, a kind of "you & me" against "them".
If there have been good things, make note of those. While at the same time noting that there is nothing wrong with attention being given toward relational problems. Would we not think it odd advice to tell a healthy person to not spend time & effort dealing with a single tooth cavity? Saying that your tooth hurts, using a pain killer, going to the dentist, and getting the tooth fixed is NOT a form of ignoring the rest of the healthy body.
What I am trying to convey, is that rather than getting pissed and offended - take it as an attempt to *talk*. Someone has to stop the cycle of each participant running up the battlements and pulling up the drawbridge.
Part of the problem is, that when it comes to our R, I can't be very wry with my W. As you can see, she takes things and really runs with them, often, in the wrong direction. My humor usually falls flat when we are on the subject of the relationship.
I like you HD. You have an authentic and unique point of view and personality and that really comes through in just about everything you post on this BB. It didn't come through in that e-mail and that makes me think that you weren't really risking much in terms of self-revelation by sending it. That e-mail was white bread and you are wry. 