Our Sat nite date nite went well...it really is a keeper. There are no games about who is going to initiate or whether it will be a sex nite...we both make it happen. Cemar just posted about a book he read where sex should be the last thing to work on in the marriage, but I have to disagree. If you can commit to a regular schedule of ML, all the issues start to come out just by making the sex happen in a consistent way.
On Mon. H initiated just as I was about to fall asleep. Seems when he feels no pressure from me he can relax and get going. Of course, I did not want to miss the opportunity to ML, so I went with it, even though it was a less than optimal time for me.
I started to think how unfair this all is--H controls initiation for the most part, and I have to be on his schedule. On Wed. I decided to be the initiator and it turned out to be a disaster. He was most definitely not in the mood, just wanted to go to sleep, and was very cold in his rejection. I couldn't HOM and started crying my eyes out. The following convo ensued: H: Why are you so upset? Some nites I just want to go to sleep...what is the big deal? J: You just stay so stubborn...on Mon. I was not really in the mood, but went along with it and it ended up being nice. H: You could turn me down if you want...and I won't react like this. J: ( Has an insight). Yes, you are entitled to turn me down, but it's the way you go about it that sets me off...you get all tense and angry, and I feel so hurt H: I feel I have to act that way or I won't get through to you; you'll just keep trying and trying, and I know when I am just not in the mood. J: (remembers something from the modified Cemar list) I think you can approach the rejection in a gentler way, and say something like, " Honey, I am not feeling up to ML tonite, but I'll take a raincheck for tomorrow." H: Well why can't we wait til Sat? We already ML'd 2x this week...aren't you happy with that? J: Yes, but it's not set in stone; we had agreed to at least 2x a week. I don't want sex every day, but it's nice to have some leeway. H: I have a rough week ahead...I would like to wait til Sat. J: I am not okay with that. After you reject me, I really feel awful and I feel the caring thing to do is for you to make it up to me the next day.
Nothing was finalized, and we went to sleep. The next day, he calls me and says, " Let's find the time tonight to have some fun..I think you know what I mean."
So we did, in fact, ML last nite...it was very intimate, and I said to him that I feel close to him. He says back, "You don't have to have sex to feel close to me." I let that comment go, and we did experience a certain closeness, and afterwards he said that it really did feel so nice.
So we are muddling through... he feels controlled by me--he feels pressure. He doesn't equate ML with closeness. He doesn't view sex as just a way to relax from the stresses of life. He doesn't understand what the rejection does to me. He can't turn a "no" into a maybe.
