Should I send this (still havent replied, ought to do something) Thanks for the email, I appreciate your sharing with me more than I can tell you, and I know it's hard. I'm not doing very well today either, in fact getting hit by a truck would probably improve my functioning, so I'm not sure anything I say will make much sense, and I pray it doesnt come out wrong. I do want you to know that Aaron didn't say a word to me about the phone call, nor did I ask him.
I'm not quite sure wht to say about your feelings that the changes i'm working on are superficial. I'm trying to work at what I decided I had to do to get back to who I really am. I truely was miserable, although I'm not sure you believe that. I'm not going to live that way again, and in the process of trying to decide how I got so fard down and what to do about it, I came up with some things that I needed to do diferently and I'm working on them. Certainly with less than stellar results and a good deal of back slikding, but theyre things I must do & have no intention of giving up. . That doesnt mean progress will always be steady, or that I will ever approach perfet, unfortunately.
I realize it is painful for both of you, and for you to see her that way and feel responsible for it. I also knowthat it isnt possible to "be friends" without maintaining an emotional connection. That emotional connection is the basis for all the others, and maintaining it, as you've said, keeps the door open a crack and makes it possible to easily slip back through it. That constantly looming possibility casts a pall over the other relationship that will always be there.
My personal experience has been that the pain never goes away as long as there is an "active friendship" either.
From my perspective, it's devastatingly painful to feel so over joyed and excited at what we can rebuild together when you tell me that's where you're at, only to have that taken away. You see, in order to feel that joy, I have to open myself up to how much I do care, and I have to trust what you "put out there" in order to move forward. Thats a really hard thing for me to do anyway because of past experiences. Then when that all goes out the window, or it becomes obvious it never really was, the pain is indescribable, and it gets worse and worse every thime it happens until other alternatives start to look like less painful options. Then I start to believe that has to be the goal behind it all anyway, so it's just an exercise in futility and masochism. Then I start to wonder what is wrong with someone (me) who willing to let themself be put through this over and over again....I mean, what kind of a "core" can a person have who does that? especially when it happened years ago and I swore then I would never do it again.
You said in your email "perhaps none of this matters to you". It matters a great deal to me, it's huge in my life. I do love you as I have never loved anyone else. I truely believe we could build a great relationship. I made a choice to commit to working on that with all I have to give, but it can only work in the long run if that is your choice as well. I'm very much aware that it's up to you to make that choice.
You made the comment that "I did appreciate your efforts/it was helping"....past tense?
