My heart just dropped while reading your thread this morning. I couldn't be sorrier that your H is such as ass! WTF is wrong with him? He has happiness staring him right in the face and he turns away. Damn it.
Okay, sorry about that vent but...damn him! Deb, hon, this is not your fault. You are no more responsible for his actions than he is for yours. Do not let him push you back into old habits. You have come too far to allow that to happen.
I read his letter in amazement. It was so full of excuses and justifications. He never took responsibility for anything with out the all important "but". As far as his comments about "giving up OW"....well, frankly it sounded as if he was talking to his mother about having to give his playstation! In the letter he blames you, work...hell, he even blames OW "for boosting his ego".
Deb, the letter sounds like it comes from a man who feels absolutely powerless...like a leaf in the wind. He only thinks he his getting what he needs from OW. Her ego stroking is only a temporary fix. And by his very description of OW past behaviors he will never feel powerful with her. She is controlling him. Ahem, he is allowing her to control him!
Now, that said, I do think that the very act of writing the letter is a good sign. He is scared right now because you showed him your anger and threatened him about "not being able to go on like this". Did you notice that whenever you get so angry that you lose it he acts very contrite (for a while)?
Quote: I did appreciate the effort you put into change, I believe it was helping. After last night I realize that it may have been time limited and more of a surface change than to your core, either way it was appreciated and I know took great effort and courage given this circumstance.
Okay, this was patronizing and hypocritical to say the least! However, there is value in this statement. In times of anger it appears that the old Deb surfaces. Okay. something to work on, no? (You and I both. )
As for writing him back. This is tricky. What do you want Deb? Are you willing to keep living this way, with H still having contact with OW? IF so, then I would think that a simple "thank you for writing" and a "I will give your words some thought" would be okay. I guess you could go as far as to validate some of the things that he said.
I hesitate to tell you what I really think that you should do.......but it involves going home early packing a bag for him and leaving it on the stoop. I can feel the DB pros getting ready to whack me. That's okay.
I view this MLC maddness as a blame game. Seems they turn into frustrated children during this time. And like a frustrated child they will blame anyone but themselves for their lot in life without ever wondering what they themselves can do to change it. And some of them also think that this is the time to indulge themselves in whatever way they see fit without regard for their loved one's feelings....because their spouse, after all, is to blame for their behavior.
I think that you have to take yourself out of the equation in order for the WAS to realize that, Hey!, maybe it is my own responsibility afterall. A lot of them do us a favor (IMHO) by walking away. The time away from us allows them to realize that they are just as miserable with us as without us. And it gives us a chance to work on ourselves without them staring over our shoulder constantly, waiting for us to mess up.
Okay, this is getting kind of wordy. Sorry. I just think that you gave him space while he was still in the home to make these realizations...it didn't happen...yet. I know that you are afraid to ask him to leave. I do not blame you in the least.
What about doing a modified LRT? Turn the tables on him and tell him that you need some space? Tell him that you need some time to decide what it is that you want out of life. Then go on out an get a life! Go dark, even though he will still be in the home. Let him twist in the wind for a while.
Okay, Deb. I will check in with you later today. Hang in there and CHIN UP, BE PROUD.
)
