My mind is such a foggy mess today....I just got this email from H.... I cant think how I need to respond.
Deb; I hope you are functioning better than I am today, I’m really feeling tired. I want you to know that I realize that Aaron picked up the phone Monday and came in on my conversation with Donna. I had called her, as a friend and the conversation lasted less than 10 minutes. She was helping her daughter prepare for a test on ancient Egypt. I knew some of the terms and joked that Aaron really was the person to talk to. The conversation ended. I share that because you need to know that it isn’t romantic. I agree, it isn’t good for our relationship to continue to have contact with her. I guess the reason that I did was seeing how bad she was hurting, I was too. It seemed being friends was what we really missed the most and I thought we could be and slowly taper off as we adjusted to the new situation. She seems to have her priorities right, focused on Kat right now. She doesn’t want me coming in to Kat’s life if I’m not going to stay so really doesn’t want me around on Saturdays or Sundays, I agree with her. I apologize for and own my part in this mess. I was dishonest as I was having phone contact with her, though it has tapered off quite a bit. I didn’t realize that the contact was effecting my relationship with you. I guess I do feel some resentment at having to hurt someone I cared about, I realize that was my own doing but it spills at time back into all the past hurts that we were talking about last night. I feel resentment at having to lose someone who was supportive and really feed my ego at a time that I desperately needed it. Some of this has to do with just feeling like such a small, insignificant cog in the CKMHC wheel, no matter how good the work, it’s nothing. I could see my career was going nowhere. My peers getting jobs as supervisors, me same as 16 years ago, just an out patient therapist. Add in the ice in our relationship at the time and your comments about nobody wanting me, my depression and I was ready to feel like I was someone important, desired. When I shut the door on her it feels like I’ve thrown away that life line and I start to feel myself sinking down into the depression again, so I call her, I guess just looking for reassurance, that she still does care at some level, etc.. Perhaps none of this matters to you, as your issue is that it has to stop. I just wanted you to know it’s not because I hate you or that I am purposely trying to hurt or aggravate you. I did appreciate the effort you put into change, I believe it was helping. After last night I realize that it may have been time limited and more of a surface change than to your core, either way it was appreciated and I know took great effort and courage given this circumstance. I am interested in your thoughts, it was just not going any where last night and this morning as we were both too angry. I have learned that for the most part I’m better off shutting up when angry as I’ve nothing to offer that is constructive
