Today is the 1st anniversary of "THE BOMB". Surprisingly, I'm doing ok, better than I thought I would. On the one hand, it's been a year of hell, on the other it's been a year of personal growth that I needed to do and probably wouldnt have otherwise.

To update from the weekend: Friday afternoon/evening was pretty uneventful...

Saturday morning, H said he had to go to work, and I didn't do well, burst into tears. Instead of getting angry, he was actually reassuring, told me that he really was going to work (still in my mind), that it was ok that I was upset, that he probably would be also, hugged me, told me he'd be home by noon, and we'd go to church and spend the evening together.... He came home about noon, came right to me and gave me kisses and nice warm hugs. I mentioned that I wasn't in tears this time, and he said "I appreciate that".....
That day (Saturday)was the 26th anniversary of our 1st date....
Before H got home, I mentioned it to S12, and the poor kid, I had to chuckle, said "should I stay in my room tonight?"...We've never asked or suggested that S stay in his room! I guess he was trying to help me out! Anyway, S did stay all night with a friend, and H and I spent the evening in front of the fire place in the living room, had a couple of the imported beers we had on our first date, watched our "naughty movie" and ML....it was nice, except H had some performance problems which is unusual and doesnt do anything at all to reassure me. I'm assuming it was from not feeling to great with a cold, taking cold medicine, and having a couple of beers. Kind of scary though, because a couple of weeks ago he was initiating ML every other day or so. I try to shut it out of my mind, don't know what else to do.

S made me laugh again, when he came home on Sunday, he opened the fridge, he saw the beers that were left (we had 2 each from the 6-pack) and said "well my my my, arent you two the wild party animals!".....H kind of snickered, put his arm around me, and whispered in my ear "actually YOU were the party animal!"...I guess that's good?????

After lunch we were still sitting at the table and I commented on not hearing much from D and SIL since their move....that I didn't know if it was good, bad, neutral, but I didnt want to be calling them a lot when they are trying to get settled into their new home and jobs....H said he thought it was good, then added, "sometimes you have to just let people go even when you love them"....kind of took my breath away, I didnt even answer him, I was just absolutely quiet. However, since I've learned that "listening between the lines" often tells me more about whats going on with H than what he says directly, I'm leaning toward this as being an indication that the A really is over...

We leave for a 6-day vacation to our "usual" spot a week from tomorrow. I'm so glad we're going, and I hope being there in the fall will help chase the ghosts of OW further into the past.

I can't help but wonder what things will be like for us next year at this time. We still have far, far to go in building a new M....I want much more romance from H than he's giving me right now. I thought he was really going to take off in that department, but he's pretty much faded/fizzled back to his "old self" (pre-A) in the way he relates to me. Actually, he's better, just not where I want him to be. So, I gotta figure out how to work on that.

I havent tackled that much yet, because I need to take a breather, and I don't want to pressure him too much. I sensse that he is still grieving OW a lot, as much as I hate that, and I don't want to pressure him and make him think he should have made a different choice.

I did ask him this weekend if he wished he had made a different choice ( I think when I was crying before he left for work), and he said "I don't think that would have been the right solution"....that reply makes me kind of sad, and points out to me how far we still have to go. He didnt say he was happy with his choice, or that he loved me, or anything like that....

Time, I guess, it a big part of what it's going to take. and so I keep praying for patience and wisdom and guidance, and dbing one day at a time!

been around awhile!