Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma

[sage]

Deb -- Been where you're at right now.. Even VERY recently (despite it being almost 2 years since bomb dropping)

Here are some of the recent posts on my thread after h and I had a HUGE fight recently:

Took your advice. Apologized. Ask for input on what happened. His response was familiar -- that he scewed up (affair) but that he feels like I may forgive him but never forget it and that he will never forgive himself and he doesn't want to look back in 20 years and regret staying married. That he feels like it will always be something between us and that he doesn't want to live his life that way.

Claims that I'm fooling myself if I think I can get over it. Thinks it's the "devil I know" that keeps me here.

We talked a fair amount. Says my desire for more closure (thru conversation) just hurts him -- he doesn't want to talk or even think about the affair. Says that he knows he was the one who planted the landmines, etc.

I don't know how to "convince" him that we won't end up in a similar sitch to last night because I'm not sure it's true...I'm trying as hard as I can to manage my insecurities, etc. I don't think it's a neverending proposition but he doesn't want to hear that.

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Some thoughts from our fight...use these to help refine goals/areas to focus...

1. h believes that I will never trust him again ("I KNOW you. You will NEVER trust me again")

2. h believes that I have forgiven him but that I haven't forgotten and that the A is in the forefront of my mind

3. h says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself

4. h says that my desire to talk about the A is counter to his desire NOT to talk about it. He said that I ASSume that I will gain more HEALING than he will "lose" in the discussion.

5. h wanted to hear the reasons why I still wanted to be M to him...this actually seemed like a very big part of the conversation

6. h said he thinks I've defaulted to the "devil" I "know" (doesn't feel CHOSEN)

7. h said that he couldn't imagine us ever apart -- that I am part of his DNA

8. H asked to hear praise for how hard he's been working -- to hear appreciation for the good stuff that he's been doing for our M (WOA?? My h? )

9. h was definitely struggling with physical pain and his actions were definitely clouded by that

10. h doesn't want to "pay" for this for the rest of his life

11. Part of "trust" to h means not only that I believe in his fidelity but also that I "trust" him as he is ("unconditional love")

12. h said that his fear was that he'd go merrily along only to hit "landmines" because of something he said or did that triggered the A in my mind. It seems like the unpredictability is a BIG factor for him (would it help to be more clear with him about what my triggers are?). He used the word "LANDMINE" quite a bit

If your sitch is anything like mine the insecurities WILL come and go for a while...the fear that they're still together, etc...I've mostly tried to explore any and every outlet before going to h for reassurances...it just doesn't work that well in my sitch (particularly if I'm in high anxiety mode)...look for the positives and actions that support that h is "doing the right thing" and take excellent care of yourself..both of those things seem to help me.

Sage