I'm in a weird place emotionally, so frustrated and not sure what to do next, if anything. I think it may be very much what slowly's been experiencing.
I have a hard time believing that the A has ended....I've heard that story too many times before only to have it blow up in my face. So, I try to keep my hands off the rope but it is still tough.
H is pleasant and considerate (other than this morning, which I'll explain in a minute) and fun, but not as "romantic" as I saw there for a tiny bit....that's a disappointment, but maybe doesnt mean anything. He still seems, I believe, more "contented" and at ease at home.... Monday we were off work and he left to do "paperwork" he said....said he'd be home by noon or before, didnt get home till after 1....I did not do well with that at all....he said he was sorry, but did nothing to reassure me.
The anniversary of the bomb is this coming Monday. It is very unnerving to me for some reason. This morning I told H I needed some reassurance, and asked if he still calls her, he said "No!" and blew up that he was sick of this all the time, that if he was away from me and wanted to do something on his own I got anxious.......he was very angry, I just walked out of the room with out a word, left the house and came to work. About an hour later I got an email apologizing for being so cranky, that he wasnt feeling well (again) ...I emailed back that i was sorry for my part as far as being clingy, but the anniversary coming up was bothering me.
He responded that he knew he needed to spend time with me, that he is worried about work stuff, that he's behind on paperwork because of the new people he's had to train (yeah, that and all the time he spent goofing off with OW for over a year), is getting in trouble for it and is afraid he won't get his raise. absolutely no acknowledgement or mention of the bomb anniversary, or that anything might be amiss....
I am so frustrated. If the A is truely over and he really loves me, why does he get so angry?
Why do I have to ask him for reassurance? He, of all people, should know it's going to be needed.
On the other hand, I keep asking myself a weird question....why does it upset me so that he had/has an A?????????
I don't know the answers to any of this, and sure don't know what to do. I prefer having him in my life to not having him in my life....can't imagine life with out him.....BUT.... I DO NOT want to go back to the way things were before. distant, cordial but not passionate....just kind of blindly trudging through life.
I believe I have the right to ask for what I need, and if that includes reassurance, so be it. Throughout our marriage, I've tended to shove my needs under the carpet and not speak up about them....no more of that either. I guess I need to reread "asking for what you want" in DR....
BUT, the question haunts me, if I find out he's back in w/OW, what do I do now? Part of me is feeling like it's really finished with this game....another part of me feels like "get a grip, get a life, and let go until he gets over it".....
Yet still, maybe it IS over and it frustrates him to hear about it. Yet it's incredibly naive to think he can "skate" without having to deal with what happened on any level with me.
I don't know, I'm tired and frustrated and wish I could just crawl in bed today and pull the blankets over my head for a while.
I'm also confused again, he was so happy with "romance" and now again I hear this being thrown up about if he wants to do anything besides be with me ( I feel that's inaccurate, but then we all know the futility of challenging their point of view)that I can't handle it.
what do I do now? I've thought of writing him another letter, trying to explain that not asking for what I need didn't work before, and that I don't want him to feel stifled but I do need reassurance from him......
I'm clueless as usual........somebody got some guidance or even a 2 X 4??????
