Quote: Reading the stories in this forum, it's hard to imagine an LD spouse "pressuring" the other spouse to go to C to tone/down his/her sex drive and create more intimacy in the R. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it doesn't seem to be what's happening in this group. Maybe we've self-selected out somehow by being computer users
The high number of HD folks here are because this is a forum featuring sex-starved marriages. That's going to mean that the folks here are in general: married, higher-drive than their partner, and dissatisfied with that situation.
In my earlier walk through my relationship, I would have been seeking the RSM - the Relationship Starved Marriage. In place of seeking ways to get my partner to make love to me, I would have been seeking ways to get my partner to spend time with me in ways where I felt like I was a part of a couple, rather than an appendage.
Stepping back, looking at the general situation dispassionately, and eliminating the idea of the things that would be good in a relationship - would it be accurate to say that much of this activity being poured forth is because YOU (generic you) WANT something from the other person? I'm not saying that wanting is wrong. But, it's not as if the activity doesn't have a hook whose purpose is to get you what YOU want. Again, I'm not judging that as bad. If two people are eating dinner and one prefers more salt on their food, they are the one motivated to get up and get the salt. They've just expended more time and activity on the dinner - but it was because the dinner wasn't quite the way they wanted.
Mojo alluded to some of the differences between the LD spouses represented here. There are vast differences between the participants here today. Marriages that haven't made love in years, some that make love a couple of times a year, some that make love a couple of times a month and some a couple of times per week.
Some folks, although making love infrequently, enjoy and make a good connection with each other. Others are more frequent, but the experience is lacking in some way.
Some couples don't seem to be talking about it *at all*. Some couples can talk about it, but the convo rapidly degenerates into anger and produces no change. Some couples are talking it through and making some progress.
When I read some of the stories here, I grieve. It is normal for sex to be a part of a couple's life. When sex is occuring at least weekly, while it might not be as often as one spouse would like, it at least is within a normal range. People who have not made love to their spouse in years, months, weeks - are dealing with something entirely different.
It would be wonderful if we could put together some sort of guideline for people who are dealing with a spouse who chooses to ignore that the relationship has a problem. For all those spouses that say "You go to a counselor, I don't have a problem" - are refusing to acknowledge that if ONE person in a relationship is having problems, then the RELATIONSHIP has a problem, and therefore the other partner has a problem.
Even removing the marital aspect of it, if the two of you were merely in business together and one partner unilaterally changed their participation in the partnership without the other partner's consent - then the business has a problem.
Excellent, succinct summing-up of the problem. I agree completely. It's all about finding contentment within the relationship and the willingness to help your partner find contentment.
As the one that wants to see change in the area of sex, YOU will bear most of the workload. It is your responsibility to help minimize the effort required for your spouse to meet your needs for sex. I also read something on the three states of marriage that kinds of explains why you will feel that you are bearing the workload. In marriage, there are three states, Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawl. What usually happens is that the one that starts the process of going from withdrawl back to conflict back to intimacy will get their needs met LAST. This really sucks, so you will have to keep your eyes on the prize while you do "ALL the work".
I have also read where of all the "needs" in marriage, when a couple starts working on all the issues of a marriage, the issue of sex is the hardest and almost always the last issue in marriage that gets fixed. So to get to the end goal, there obviously are a lot of hurdles to overcome first. Obviously, you are going to feel like you are doing all the work. But remember, the LD also has a lot of work to do. You just may not see it as work since it comes so easily to you. Keep your eye on the prize!
Come on man. Just because you are HD and wanting a change does not mean you do all the work.
Do you know what an investment is?
I have to tell you, for the initial work I did in my relationship, the return on investment has been phenomenal. I think I have gotten all of my expended energy back, and an excellent relationship with my wife to boot.
Cemar. Please go back and read my early posts. I sounded a lot like you then. I understand where you are coming from, but you just won't accept one simple fact; IT IS NOT ALL YOUR WIFE'S FAULT.
This is why you are still stuck. Do you think that your wife doesn't KNOW that you are SEETHING with ANGER against HER? Have you talked openly and honest with her yet?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I feel very sad about things today...