Women are as capable of being 'jerky' as men. Neither sex has any corner on the 'jerky' market.
Lillie's boyfriend does a lot of 'other' work. It is obvious that he feels that he is contributing to the relationship. Their miscommunication is classic. He tries to meet her needs in the only way he knows how, and she is trying to meet his needs with blow jobs( other ways too, this is just for example).
Neither one of them understand that the other is trying. He doesn't need blow jobs, she doesn't need gardening for sex.
Even if they are attempting communication regarding needs, one or both of them is not listening. In order to be effective in a relationship, communication needs to be two ways. One way communication is easily construed to be demands.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes some LD people are lazy towards their relationship. They may also be procrastinators and hate broccoli.
The varities of LD and HD people are as diverse as the variety of people you see in the general population. This board alone has shown that to be true.
But I don't believe that LD people in general are lazy, period. I think that many can get that way, due to their own selfish human nature (which we all possess) as well as the relational dynamic that is present that ALLOWS it to happen. That is, the HD person tolerating it for years on end and then wondering why their spouse doesn't do more.
I believe that just as many LD people are not lazy when it comes to relational issues and just relate in different ways, besides sex.
For me, a "relationship" can be defined in romantic and "couple" type terms...intimacy, sex, quality time spent together, love, etc. For my H, I suspect that his list would define it with more action-type words: doing things together, raising children, building a life and home.
Both of these things are necessary to a marriage so it is impossible to say that one is better than the other.
So my vote would be no, it is too oversimplified to say that all (or even most) LD people are lazy.
Women are as capable of being 'jerky' as men. Neither sex has any corner on the 'jerky' market.
Lillie's boyfriend does a lot of 'other' work. It is obvious that he feels that he is contributing to the relationship. Their miscommunication is classic. He tries to meet her needs in the only way he knows how, and she is trying to meet his needs with blow jobs( other ways too, this is just for example).
Neither one of them understand that the other is trying. He doesn't need blow jobs, she doesn't need gardening for sex.
Even if they are attempting communication regarding needs, one or both of them is not listening. In order to be effective in a relationship, communication needs to be two ways. One way communication is easily construed to be demands.
-NOPkins-
Surely you don't mean these two highlighted statements literally? Are you saying he doesn't KNOW that sexual interaction is part of a committed, adult relationship like ours? Then why does he have a prescription for Viagra that he's never used?
Don't know how to comment on the second statement...
There is LD, and then there are other grades of lack of desire (No Desire, Negative Desire). What do you call it when W avoids conversation just because it might lead to a discussion of sex? What do you call it when W throws elbows and punches as a result of a hand placed on her shoulder? I agree that "lazy" does not apply. But such behaviors are not generally conducive to fixing the relationship.
I'm not looking for a term to describe my currently ND wife. I know dang well that she does a tremendous amount to keep the family going. There's just something missing. It's not fair for her to hold discourse hostage because she's afraid of where it will lead. You and MrsNOP have a lot, if not all, the cards on the table. You are both to be commended for this. Many of us aren't there yet.
Quote: Lillie said: --------------- ..... Geez, talk about having to do all the work. I still think LDs are lazy and want to be taken care of! (Incoming frying pans! ) ---------------
Okay. I have ignored this up until now.
This is a crock full to the brim and overflowing with crap.
I have not doubt that you feel you are doing all the work. I know I did. I also have absolutely no doubt that IF down the line, you manage to be in a more normal relationship, you will find that the effort to get there is closer to equal between partners than you can imagine right now.
CeMar wrote:
Quote: I have said this before, as the HD male, we have to put forth far more effort to improve the relationship then the LD women has to
ricsgirl918 wrote:
Quote: As the HDW I feel like I am doing all the work
honeypot wrote:
Quote: I have to give an inordinant amount of relational intimacy in order for him to feel safe enough to want to ML with any frequency. On the other hand, when we have sex, he gets the intimacy straight away. There is a tip in the balance scales and they always seem to come down on his side
Mojo wrote:
Quote: The HD spouse is under continuous pressure to exhibit "good behavior" in order to avoid celibacy
Even Mrs NOPkins wrote:
Quote: I also believe strongly that one spouse should not keep working alone for an extended period of time
Each person has to want to work and has to want the R to work. It just seems like the HD is the one who has to make it happen. At least in this group.
Reading the stories in this forum, it's hard to imagine an LD spouse "pressuring" the other spouse to go to C to tone/down his/her sex drive and create more intimacy in the R. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it doesn't seem to be what's happening in this group. Maybe we've self-selected out somehow by being computer users...
Maybe "lazy" was the wrong way to put it (I was in a very bad mood this morning). Maybe "willing to let the partner shoulder the bulk of the emotional work in the relationship during the periods when the relationship is at its least functional" would be a more accurate description.
P.S. It's very sporting of y'all to let a total stranger toss a golden apple into the middle of the room this way. I appreciate the lively conversation. I'm truly learning a lot!
Hate to throw a wrench into that well wrought logic of yours, sweetie, but that latest post of yours is so far off the mark we aren't even in the same ballpark. Not even on the same planet.
I could throw out some HD generalizations that would lead the board into revolt. However, I realize that behind the seeming generalizations, there are specific people who prove any generalization wrong. That's why it is typically not a smart thing at all to generalize.
What I would very much like to know is where is all this generalizing getting you? How's it solving your problem?
My guess is it's getting you nowhere. And that's my point.
Well, it's helping me understand. It's a reality check to see if I'm nuts in my perception that I'm doing all the emotional work or if I'm accurate in my perceptions. This is what it FEELS like to me.
Please tell me exactly how I'm off the mark/on another planet? I'm not saying I'm not, but just tell me how? I'm so glad to have the opportunity to present my possibly misguided assumptions to an LD person to explain to me.
"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one."
Alexandre Dumas (pere)
I think the reason that we lapse into generalizations on this board is that we are struggling to define what we mean by HD or LD. What does my LDH who is very uninhibited, likes porn and is likely to MB if he's not having sex with me regularly have in common with a LDW who shudders at the thought of a blow-job and is completely unfamiliar with her own genitalia and what do either of them have in common with a LDW who generally wants sex about once a week and is struggling in her relationship with an emotionally unavailable man who wants to have sex twice a day? What do any of their HD spouses have in common? If all we can say is the HD spouse is the one who wants more sex in the relationship, what is the point of this board? We have to search for similarities in our situations in order to help each other. There is no way that anything anyone has posted on this board proves that many LD spouses are lazy about working on their relationships. However, there is significant evidence on this board that many HD spouses at one time or another feel that their LD spouses are lazy about working on their relationships. Therefore, this information is vastly more useful for any LD people on the board than it is for the HD people except to the extent that it validates their feelings of frustration.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have to chime in and agree with many of the people on this partifcular subject. It's not a good idea to try to "generalize" LD's/HD's...keep in mind that the majority of the people posting on this BB are HD....the LD's probably have their own support group :-) By the way...thanks to all the LD's who are posting on here too...you are being very helpful!
I am pretty confident that if my LDH were asked if he thought I was shouldering the bulk of emotional/intimate responsibility in our relationship that he'd say no...but that would be coming from his perspective.
I've definitely learned that although he thinks I'm darn near perfect as a wife for him...there are definitely things that I fall short on as well for him. The important thing to me is that both you and your LD partner want to work on the situation so you can meet somewhere in the middle.
I know you're just throwing the thought out there for feedback...so take mine for what it's worth as well :-)
Your perception of shoulding the bulk of the emotional work is to me just that...your perception; what would your LDH say if asked the same question? Just curious.
I have a gut feeling that if you were to ask any group of people with a relationship problem that they are wanting to work on that they would feel they shoulder the bulk of the responsibility/work...I'm willing to bet the other 50% of the equation feel the same way. Remember they're being asked to step up to the plate and change something/improve (whatever you wish to say there) about their behavior which can be very hard work and very difficult for them to do...if they can do it.
